Buh..............lah

Retrospective....Nostalgic....

Oblong, squiggley, curling in on itself

Line

Not quite completing the beautiful [ly] - [de] formed - "perfect" circle

Feelings RE-surface soggy from suspnesion in fluid depths

So....my "current situation" brings me back, reminds of what I was feeling 5 months ago. The feelings/situation are/is-n't exactly the same as then, but it is _______ enough that I had the compulsion to dig up THAT blog and re-refelct on that reflection.

THAT Blog (from myspace):

Monday, October 01, 2007
Monday Morning Meandering
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday Morning, October 01, 2007
7:59 AM

Something is Missing…

I wish it were something I could place on a mantel;
I wish it were merely putting puzzle pieces together;
I wish it were as simple as making a copy of a lost house key.

But you can not place the vastness of the sky in a tiny glass bottle.

I am at a point in my life when I understand the complex simplicity of
days passing related to experiencing life on a level other than time:
as in emotions, within relationships, longings, curiosity, forgetfulness, holding on.

As in comprehending questions that are themselves
elusive like sand sifting between fingers…

It goes on

The Missing.

Setting your sight, aiming, firing and

Missing

Not around, can't be found--

Missing

An absence. . .

An absence lingers like reminders of innocence in a world of
straight laced responsibility attempting to reinvent that

Carefree freedom

Experience (lessons learned through time) forces me
to look back at those times in a different light.

A vagueness masks the joy I used to regard those times with
It settles like hours at night, asleep without dreaming

But . . . there is a new innocence in my heart, in my soul;

In my cracked skull

It is growing, reaching awakening
like a sprout that has broken the shell of a seed

I am now feeling the sun for the first time again,
feeling the cool morning air for the first time again.

From my shaved head out shoots imaginary electric shock hair
wiggling and sizzling as heatwaves on a summer highway

I endeavor to chase new adventures and
somehow keep the wisdom that has been gained.
I will keep it tucked away in a pouch of treasured belongings.

And the promises. . .

The promises remain, and they stay.
They stick like spider webs to prey,
and I remain

Waiting for The Missing to appear in ordinary time…
And maybe I missed something along the way [to were I am going].
I missed the exit and went further up the freeway than expected.

Go figure

And now

Discoveries loom somewhere amidst lugubrious clouds
and within lurid isotones so emphatic that one misses the point
and the loudness falls unnoticed into a deep hole hidden and unknown
the sound falls away and silly whispers dance in the ears and they listen...

and somewhere, someone is missing
somewhere someone is found
somewhere someone is lost

and here

I am

Right where I need to be

--Philip Payumo Jucaban, 1978 -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK so my current situation is:

THAT Blog + "the lost and found" = "ok.... what now?"

*fizzle* Generators shutting down, light dimming...

Yeah....I just went brain dead.... system failure. I'll write/think/"sit in my pocket of stillness" (pick one) more some other time. I should be studying for my grammar and rhetoric class and prepping for work 2morrow....

ah well....

let me bring it back for ya:

Retrospective....Nostalgic....

Oblong, squiggley, curling in on itself

Line

Not quite completing the beautiful [ly] - [de] formed - "perfect" circle

Feelings RE-surface soggy from suspnesion in fluid depths...


"Buh..............lah" ---> BLAH !#%&*?

At Random...

Stillness in the Chaos...

...the chaos that is currently my life. I understand that in time this chaos will pass, but for now...I am finding peace sitting snugly in a pocket of stillness... in Writing... Randomly I might add...writing just to get my insides out and to sort out emotions, thoughts, ideas... to blow all the "yucky stuff"" OUT and breathe life-giving oxygen IN.

So yucky stuff:

Kitchen is being remodeled, so ALL contents of the kitchen: appliances, dishes, cups, food, etc. have been "disorganized-ly" relocated (it is our fault for moving it this way) into the living room, dining room and outdoor deck.

How hard can it frickin' be to have a bowl of cereal. Hmmm... let's see how difficult it IS:

Ok cereal... now what box and/or plastic bag in which room did I put the cereal in? After 5 frantic minutes of rummaging thru boxes, bags and rooms I find my Honey Bunches of Oats. Now… where are the bowls, where did we put the spoons... (In time Philips finds these items) Ok. Milk. Milk is still in the fridge in the now "gutted" room that used to be the kitchen. So after 25 or so minutes of locating the items needed to have a bowl of cereal...

I have my bowl of cereal (VICTORY!) and enjoy it, but now...
Where do I wash the bowl and spoon? The sink has been taken out/"gutted" out of the kitchen!

All that said, yes, with a little bit of frustrated sarcasm in the telling of it, I am in my "pocket of stillness"

And to be honest...I didn't actually have bowl of cereal...I had a bowl of canned soup... Cereal just sounded like it would make for a better story for some reason... go figure!?

Other "yucky stuff" occupying my mind and taking up time:

-Applying for Grad. School...
-Studying and doing Homework for the one class I'm taking this semester
-Doing Homework for the 4 week training that I am attending for Professional
Development for work
-Keeping up to date with the Readings and Homework for the 4 classes I work with at CCSF
-Fighter Training 1-2 hours a day
-Cooking/preparing my own meals cuz I can only afford to eat out maybe 2-3 times a week ONLY.

So with all this stuff that I do on DAILY basis...it's no wonder it's hard for me to find time to Surf or read for pleasure or work on projects (writing).

Well...I did work on... well actually NO, I got some inspiration (from who know where?) to start a NEW project (fiction, might be a short story might be novella)... but wrting out this inspiration is still writing (my stillness in the chaos)...

Also... while eating sushi for dinner at my local "Spot" earlier this evening, I started "free-writing" on what might be "non fiction, essay-type" piece.

Here are SOME of the notes for that potential project:


The manner/way [in which] one "operates" should largely depend on their short term and long term goals.

In terms of Dating/Relationships/socializing??.....

Ways to "operate" (to be explored further AFTER goals are considered).

Dating/Relationships/socializing?? Goals:

Companionship, a "financial partner," having a lover, being with someone you can grow old with (ala The Wedding Singer, [Adam Sandler movie]), blah, blah....

I wrote more, but I need to be on campus less than 9 hours from NOW meaning i should be waking up up to start my day7 hours from now, meaning I am probably get only 6 or so hours of sleep tonite! ... geeeezzz... i got get some sleep NOW!!!, so I'll be fresh for 2morrow as to best serve my students...(what a noble guy i am. i say this as i give myself a pat on the back) hahaha


One day...I will revisit, take up and finish some of these projects... ONE DAY...


ahhh.... ONE DAY but for now . . . being IN the stillness within the chaos my thoughts come at random.... good nite

Doing Myself a Favor....

Unfavorable Conditions:

I want to surf tomorrow, but it is not looking good. Too much swell and on shore winds will make for big, mushy, blown out waves. Ehhh... I'll play it by ear. Maybe I'll go driven down to Pacifica and check my local break, Lindamar, favorable conditions or not.

"It's been so long since I seen the Ocean..." Lyrics from the Counting Crows song Long December from the Recovering the Satelites album.

Maybe I'll stop by the shop and talk story wit' some of da folks...
Dude...I haven't been around the surf scene for while now. And on a somehwhat-semi-quasi-related tip: "Oooohh..." maybe I can get my skateboard fixed at the shop. Yeah...

YEAH!!!!

[Enter my night reverie]:


I'll wake up early tomorrow, slip in into a comfy pair of jeans, flip flops and a hoodie, pack my board(s) (surfboard(s) and *broken* skateboard to be fixed), wetsuit, leash, etc., drive down to the coast, buy coffee at Fog City Java, stroll over to Lindmar (the beach) check out the surf, go out if it's good

AND IF IT'S NOT GOOD...

I'll just take it all in: the salty ocean air into my lungs, the breeze against my face, the rush and hush, the push and pull rhythm of the tides in my ears.... Hmph...it HAS been so, so, so, so so, sooooo... long since I've EXPERIENCED da Ocean, da beach. I miss it. I can't wait....


It's interesting how I've conditioned myself to think of unfavorable conditions as favorable. Maybe I am an eternal optimist as some once told me of myself... hmmm... whatevs...

Subconscious Rising...

Saturday Night, February 09, 2008 9:34pm

It comes to me like a shooting star, NO-- like a mid-day eclipse of the sun, Nah.... maybe like:

imagine you're laughing at a joke then... *kuh* in mid-guffaw you're unexpectedly stabbed in the chest, knife hitting a rib. Anyway... These thoughts came to me as I was driving home from the local video store tonight.

For some reason unknown to me, I remembered when I was an angst filled teenager, one with a compassion for all human beings that maybe stemmed from naiveté, from some strange sort of innocence. I remember being in the turmoil of heartbreak from a teenage love: loved, lost and yearning (maybe even ’til this day, maybe not; hahaha). Amidst this heart break and with family troubles going on… and trying to find my purpose in life, trying to define myself...

So I'm driving home on El Camino Real in Burlingame and this specific memory surfaces for me:

I was in high school. It was some weekday afternoon and in the throws of heartache and confusion, I was feeling sorrow for the world, and I wept. I wept not for myself, but for the woes of all the lost wandering people, the starving peoples in third world countries, the depressed lonely individuals out there… and I picked dandelions for them as if they were a lover, as if they had died; I picked dandelions for them in hopes that they “could” die and finally rest in peace.

Between heavy sobs, tears flowing uncontrollably and snot dripping from my nose, I picked flowers for them. I wiped the tears and mucus from my cheeks and nose with my shirt sleeve… I took those dandelions, white with a purple fringe; I delicately held them in my grasp and took them with me. I went to a field of grass, dropped to my knees, began clawing my hands into the ground and dug a hole. I lay the flowers down, buried them to keep them safe from the harsh world. The flowers and dirt mixed with my tears. I packed dirt over it, wept and prayed for the world.

Now fast forward 10-13 years to today. Looking at myself lately, the way I have been the past few weeks: I realize that I have had little patience with people. Hmm…maybe my younger self is calling to me and trying to remind of how I was…

I hear myself and strive to balance myself.

More Recycled Sh*t **Note the date

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

some sh*t

Current mood: apathetic

Category: Writing and Poetry

Wednesday, December 26, 2007
1:37 PM

Grey Shadows Fade in the Icy Light

Christmas Day
I sit alone
on an outside step
smoking a cigarette

I wonder what's it all about
I sit brooding, pouting…

Focused on ME
and the failure of us ALL

I sulk…
doubting
myself and everybody else

ehh…
"it is what it is"
"that's life"
yadda yadda

we are fallible and frail

we fall to rise

and

rise to fall


I hear myself--

stop myself, I stall…


I, I, I, Aye ya yiy!!!!


inner struggle juggles itself out
'til it spills into the gutters,
floats…somewhere else

I shouldn't smoke…
I'll stop tomorrow

Yeah…


This winter wandering will give way to

another season

another season…
a possible rebirth

or something like that

'til then

I'll stroll along

with a half smile and a half smirk

feeling the cold sunshine


Philip Payumo Jucaban, 1978 -

Recyling a Blog from Last Year (with minimal reflection)

Saturday, November 03, 2007
(Wow! I wrote this 3 months ago! Today is 2/5/08)

I think that I think too much

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

I seem to be at an impasse... No, rather a stalemate of sorts. Let me say it simple (ly): I've been pondering for some time on what I am doing with the time, the life I have been given. And I feel I should be doing more...actually I feel that I should be taking ANOTHER STEP in the direction which I am currently going in.

I would like to focus on my writing and education:

in writing: to really put in the time and effort to create a novel, a short story, a collection of poems. To study the craft, to hone my skills, to read other works and take what I like: style, tone, organization, process... ya know... "writing stuff." Wow, that last phrase shows how much I need to learn.

But I am passionate, I have a desire to tell stories in an artful way, to turn the literary world on its head.

(I about to go off on a tangent)

Ya see, I am Extrovert. I am Eccentric. I am an oddball-type who finds it difficult fitting in. Though most of the time, I am happy that I have the courage to be my true self: wacky, random at times, hyper, inspired, yadda yadda yadda
I want to put myself, my view of the world in my writing and yes, to also tell stories that need to be told, stories of the lives of "others," the lives of "others," the phrase needs further explanation but my mind is now growing weary.
But let me carry on:

I want to write but unfortuatnely I am Un-focused when it comes to keeping myself consistent in learning and engaing in the craft of writing.
I am too lazy to develop outlines of stories and to lazy to look words in the dictionary/thesaurus; I am too lazy to study the craft.
Well actually .. you know what? I'm NOT lazy, actually I am a hard worker. Me (I) not having put in the time and effort to write has more to do with my other passions in life: the art of muay thai (yes, thai kickboxing is an art. martial, but yes, an art) Surfing. . . and Surfing is a lifestyle. Then I also have a passion for working with students, as I do for living as a "school aide" at a community college. a school aide is something like a teacher's aide and a tutor combined who is self-managing and ... it's quite a complex position... but anyway I have too many passions and not enough time!
writing, the writen word
kickboxing
surfing
working with students
furthering my own education by pursuing masters degree in english

raising my social consciousness

developing spiritually

and one day I hope to start a family, (What then? Will I still have time then to live my passions?)
ah . .. what to do?
I need to find focus.

hmm.. to focus on the notion of FOCUS.

Hmmm. something more to think on.

So my friend, any thoughts? comments? advice?

well I was going some where with this paragraph below, but I'm tired now.. night, night
I see myself as thinking neither in or out of "The Box," instead I choose to not acknowledge the box. I disregard the box.

Alas there are times when I feel like an outcast. There is something that causes me to be bothered by society's need for comformity and complacency. hmmm. i should try to figure out why I feel that, hmm...
me and SELF-analysis!

(so I think I've made some progress in the last 3 months, as it were I am (as we all are) a work in progress. Now it is 2/6/08)