Subconscious Rising...

Saturday Night, February 09, 2008 9:34pm

It comes to me like a shooting star, NO-- like a mid-day eclipse of the sun, Nah.... maybe like:

imagine you're laughing at a joke then... *kuh* in mid-guffaw you're unexpectedly stabbed in the chest, knife hitting a rib. Anyway... These thoughts came to me as I was driving home from the local video store tonight.

For some reason unknown to me, I remembered when I was an angst filled teenager, one with a compassion for all human beings that maybe stemmed from naiveté, from some strange sort of innocence. I remember being in the turmoil of heartbreak from a teenage love: loved, lost and yearning (maybe even ’til this day, maybe not; hahaha). Amidst this heart break and with family troubles going on… and trying to find my purpose in life, trying to define myself...

So I'm driving home on El Camino Real in Burlingame and this specific memory surfaces for me:

I was in high school. It was some weekday afternoon and in the throws of heartache and confusion, I was feeling sorrow for the world, and I wept. I wept not for myself, but for the woes of all the lost wandering people, the starving peoples in third world countries, the depressed lonely individuals out there… and I picked dandelions for them as if they were a lover, as if they had died; I picked dandelions for them in hopes that they “could” die and finally rest in peace.

Between heavy sobs, tears flowing uncontrollably and snot dripping from my nose, I picked flowers for them. I wiped the tears and mucus from my cheeks and nose with my shirt sleeve… I took those dandelions, white with a purple fringe; I delicately held them in my grasp and took them with me. I went to a field of grass, dropped to my knees, began clawing my hands into the ground and dug a hole. I lay the flowers down, buried them to keep them safe from the harsh world. The flowers and dirt mixed with my tears. I packed dirt over it, wept and prayed for the world.

Now fast forward 10-13 years to today. Looking at myself lately, the way I have been the past few weeks: I realize that I have had little patience with people. Hmm…maybe my younger self is calling to me and trying to remind of how I was…

I hear myself and strive to balance myself.