So I'm lazy... but why can't I sleep? Are there heavy thoughts weighing down my mind like sand bags thrown outside to dangle from a hot air balloon? What is preventing me from floating off to dream land?
Let me think this one thru...I got time, and I can't sleep anyway...
So what's going on with me?
Well, I have re-started a project and I am EXCITED, full of ideas and ways to develop characters, symbols and themes etc.
So that's good, in a way... You see...Spring break ends soon, meaning back to the grind leaving little time to write. So inspiration: good, lack of time to write: not so good.
But that's not what's keeping me awake.
Hmph, Maybe it's some unresolved issue(s), that require(s) some attention. Maybe...
Maybe I'm just bored and don’t know what do to with myself.
I need a new adventure. I have been feeling tired of what I do, where I go and what I see-- same places, same faces.
Well hold on now, the other night a buddy of mine and I took BART to the other side of the Bay to check out a pub that randomly caught our eye on the internet. Yeah that was fun... unfamiliar place and all new faces. Yeah, there were some kooky characters in that spot, but you know... I really fell in the love with the space outside of the place. I stepped outside the pub while my buddy was getting his ear chewed off by some guy talking about the stock market. I had to leave that conversation.
Outside it was a calm night, this main street rather quiet, people went elsewhere for Spring Break leaving the avenue relatively quiet. I browsed the scene. It was so refreshing to look at these vaguely familiar surroundings; I was here a year or two ago... I forget why...
The street was wide... and the air was cool. I noticed the fronts of 2 movie theaters but a few spaces down from one another. One of them showed a few older movies...
It was nice...peaceful. It made me think of...
Ok…let these thoughts guide me a slumber and take me under.
I'm ready to *attempt* to go to sleep again. Wish me luck.
Mr. Sandman send me a dream...lift me light like a hot air balloon in flight, or how about dropping a sand bag from above stage on my head as I stand acting a part. PLEASE! something just knock me out-- a left hook or an uppercut.
Or... allow me to slow my breathing and think fondly of another place and another time... Goodnite.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sloth
I want to write... but I'm feeling too lazy to put the mental work of organizing these complex thoughts into sentences... some writer I am!
I may be taking Spring Break relaxing too far...
After all, Leisure is NOT doing nothing, it is rather what you do when you don't HAVE to work. I've crossed the line past Leisure into just plain LAZINESS.
And I'm am going to keep on being lazy....I'll get in work-mode on Tuesday.
So Back to being LazY!
I may be taking Spring Break relaxing too far...
After all, Leisure is NOT doing nothing, it is rather what you do when you don't HAVE to work. I've crossed the line past Leisure into just plain LAZINESS.
And I'm am going to keep on being lazy....I'll get in work-mode on Tuesday.
So Back to being LazY!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
weary morning-music--bah!--back to bed to read
A night of restless tossing and turning-- I can’t sleep. Sun rain and sparring sessions played back in my head as I analyzed what I could do better, all this dancing, spinning, reeling in my head as I fail to sleep.
Sun thru the window...I rise
Short morning meditation/prayer for the blue-eyed horse, for patience, for compassion, for self control, for everything and nothing at all.
I stumble to the kitchen, pour a cup of black coffee, walk out the front door, cup of coffee in hand to the driveway to grab the morning paper. I plop myself down on the stoop, slowly close my eyes and feel the mild warmth of the sun thru the fog on my face. Read paper, sip coffee, feel sun.
Back inside to make oatmeal and check the surf report on line. The surf is not worth going out, besides I can’t surf anyway— damn bum shoulder.
I have the urge to hear “All at Once” by Jack Johnson and so I play the song.
I’m swayed by the music, the melody, the lyrics
"All At Once" - Sleep Through The Static
from www.jackjohnsonmusic.com
All at once
The world can overwhelm me
There’s almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind
Which way will you run?
When it’s always all around you
And the feeling lost and found you again
A feeling that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say it’s going to be the new hell
Some say it’s still too early to tell
Some say it really ain’t no myth at all
We keep asking ourselves
Are we really strong enough?
There’re so many things
That we got too proud of (too proud of, too proud of)
I want to take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
And instead we’ll plant some seeds
We’ll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches, well they reach for what?
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There’s this heart all alone
What about when it’s gone?
It really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all
There’s a world we’ve never seen
There’s still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all could blow away with a breeze
But if you’re waiting on the wind
Don’t forget to breathe
Because as the darkness gets deeper
We’re sinking so we reach for love
At least something we can hold
But I’ll reach to you
From where time just can’t go
What about when it’s gone?
It really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all
I’m reminded of the words “Lonely won’t leave me alone.” That’s actually the title of a Germaine (Michael’s brother) Jackson song from the late 80’s early 90’s.
I attempt to distract myself from the loneliness by browsing (NOT surfing) the internet…in this mindless process I realize I’m lonely like I was 3 days ago…
The door bell rings: I walk softly, but quickly, anticipation and trepidation alternating with each step to the front door, thinking maybe it’s a friend dropping by unexpectedly and pleasantly, or maybe... an out-of-touch love from the distant past who looked me up, found where I live now and sought me out because she needed to tell me something in person… (I watch too many romantic comedies!)
It was someone who meant to ring my neighbor’s door.
I’m going back to bed and do some reading.
Ahh… Spring Break.
Sun thru the window...I rise
Short morning meditation/prayer for the blue-eyed horse, for patience, for compassion, for self control, for everything and nothing at all.
I stumble to the kitchen, pour a cup of black coffee, walk out the front door, cup of coffee in hand to the driveway to grab the morning paper. I plop myself down on the stoop, slowly close my eyes and feel the mild warmth of the sun thru the fog on my face. Read paper, sip coffee, feel sun.
Back inside to make oatmeal and check the surf report on line. The surf is not worth going out, besides I can’t surf anyway— damn bum shoulder.
I have the urge to hear “All at Once” by Jack Johnson and so I play the song.
I’m swayed by the music, the melody, the lyrics
"All At Once" - Sleep Through The Static
from www.jackjohnsonmusic.com
All at once
The world can overwhelm me
There’s almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind
Which way will you run?
When it’s always all around you
And the feeling lost and found you again
A feeling that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say it’s going to be the new hell
Some say it’s still too early to tell
Some say it really ain’t no myth at all
We keep asking ourselves
Are we really strong enough?
There’re so many things
That we got too proud of (too proud of, too proud of)
I want to take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
And instead we’ll plant some seeds
We’ll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches, well they reach for what?
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There’s this heart all alone
What about when it’s gone?
It really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all
There’s a world we’ve never seen
There’s still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all could blow away with a breeze
But if you’re waiting on the wind
Don’t forget to breathe
Because as the darkness gets deeper
We’re sinking so we reach for love
At least something we can hold
But I’ll reach to you
From where time just can’t go
What about when it’s gone?
It really won’t be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all
I’m reminded of the words “Lonely won’t leave me alone.” That’s actually the title of a Germaine (Michael’s brother) Jackson song from the late 80’s early 90’s.
I attempt to distract myself from the loneliness by browsing (NOT surfing) the internet…in this mindless process I realize I’m lonely like I was 3 days ago…
The door bell rings: I walk softly, but quickly, anticipation and trepidation alternating with each step to the front door, thinking maybe it’s a friend dropping by unexpectedly and pleasantly, or maybe... an out-of-touch love from the distant past who looked me up, found where I live now and sought me out because she needed to tell me something in person… (I watch too many romantic comedies!)
It was someone who meant to ring my neighbor’s door.
I’m going back to bed and do some reading.
Ahh… Spring Break.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
WHAT! am I talking about?!@*&!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Leisure afternoon in Millbrae Library
4:25pm
Sometimes things have to fall apart to fall into place.
Sometimes something needs to fall apart so something else can fall into place.
I like that notion...
in more ways than one.
Back pedaling, sure in my uncertainty, oxymoronically...
I drift
Maybe I’m just diluting myself. Head in the clouds,
dreaming up fairy tales: la la la
Or may be it’s more than just THAT. But how can one tell?
It’s all so complicated or may be it’s really simple. Either it’s NOT there. Or it is there and it’s meaningful; REAL and unexpected, nonetheless genuine and a thing to be...noted.
Some say there’s beauty in distortion. And if my perceptions are distorted, so be it; there’s a beauty in it. And time will tell if a crush will crash, if sun yellow raisins and purple prune juice mix well…!@?* if remainders will remain, if change rearranges existing structures...&c. &c. yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
Ambiguous like people and places, quiet moments, empty spaces...filling in blanks, hoping for the best and expecting the worst...
Ambiguous because I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Sometimes something (like my mind) needs to fall apart so something else (maybe my heart?) can fall into place.
hmmm...something to think about.
Leisure afternoon in Millbrae Library
4:25pm
Sometimes things have to fall apart to fall into place.
Sometimes something needs to fall apart so something else can fall into place.
I like that notion...
in more ways than one.
Back pedaling, sure in my uncertainty, oxymoronically...
I drift
Maybe I’m just diluting myself. Head in the clouds,
dreaming up fairy tales: la la la
Or may be it’s more than just THAT. But how can one tell?
It’s all so complicated or may be it’s really simple. Either it’s NOT there. Or it is there and it’s meaningful; REAL and unexpected, nonetheless genuine and a thing to be...noted.
Some say there’s beauty in distortion. And if my perceptions are distorted, so be it; there’s a beauty in it. And time will tell if a crush will crash, if sun yellow raisins and purple prune juice mix well…!@?* if remainders will remain, if change rearranges existing structures...&c. &c. yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
Ambiguous like people and places, quiet moments, empty spaces...filling in blanks, hoping for the best and expecting the worst...
Ambiguous because I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Sometimes something (like my mind) needs to fall apart so something else (maybe my heart?) can fall into place.
hmmm...something to think about.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Two Dream Scenes in One Night and Some Self Analysis
Sunday, March 16, 2008
9:13 AM
It’s been a while since I remembered “my dreams.” You know the ones that go along with R.E.M. sleep.
2 Dream Scenes in One Night :
1) Phantom bumps and bouncing in the night
I’m dreaming that I’m sleeping in my bed and it feels like something or someone is under the bed pushing it up. Bouncing me up and down. In the dream I wake up and wonder if there is someone under my bed. When I wake (still in the dream) it looks like, it appears as if it is the middle of the night, 3am or something. As the bed is still bouncing, I reason maybe it’s an earthquake rather than some phantom intruder under the bed. And that's the end of the dream scene.
When I actually REALLY wake up and get up at 7:00am I wonder if there was an actual earthquake and not something purely in a dream world. At this point I’m not sure!? Also so I notice that my bed in my dream was positioned differently than it is currently... Hmm....
2) Language, culture and trilingual-ism
Another scene in my dreaming last night: I’m at a dimly lit restaurant. The light seems like it's being run thru an orange filter... It’s one of those restaurants like Applebee’s or Chili’s or TGI Friday’s where a bunch of antiques and memorabilia hang on the walls and ceilings. I’m sitting by myself at a table observing the people sitting at the other tables around me. I notice 3 “Asian” teenage boys sitting together talking. They’re speaking to one another in English.
An older “Asian” man and woman walk in, not noticing the 3 Boys the couple sit down 2 or 3 tables from the boys. I guess they are the parents of the boys when they say something witty about "their children” being too cool to sit with them. Then I hear the "parents" and “children" speak Chinese (I can’t tell if it’s Mandarin or Cantonese) and Tagalog to each other!
Wow! languages!
Random stuff...
Not a dream just something funny I remembered last week:
A 12 year old teased because I had yellow ducks with orange beaks imprinted on a baby blue towel that I use to wipe my sweat during kickboxing class. Mikey makes fun of all "older" fighters at the gym. We at F.S.A. enjoy training WITH younger kids. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey is a fighter, too. Mikey can kick butt!
This kind is full on "zingers." One he said to me last week was: “You might bleed while you’re shadow boxing.” I often get a bloody nose during sparring after just a few punches to the head.
Another time before class we were watching a tape of one of Mark's fights. Mark is our head Muay Trainer. The fight is from 10 or so years ago and it Mark wins by unanimous decision, but is unable to knockout his opponent. Mikey says to Mark, “How come you couldn’t finish that guy; he was pretty weak.”
I notice about myself:
I constantly make connections with everything. And if there is no apparent connection, I make one in my mind. To me everything is connected. In my head, in head. I connect seemingly incompatible ideas. People with food, peanuts and salsa or something. Or education and the orange tree in the back yard that I gaze at thru the window as I type...I connect people with ideas. Ideas with ideas. And “Everything is Zen.”
Often I will preface what I say or write with a phrase such as “This is random, but let me tell it to ya anyway.” In my mind it is not random at all, it makes PERFECT Sense. When I was younger I learned that my mind skips 3 or 4 “logical” steps, so when I speak or write I go from A to F without explaining B, C, D or E. This results in people not understanding or misunderstanding me. Since those days I’ve learned to THINK Before I SPEAK and to consider how others will interpret what I say.
And we all do this— Make connections, that is. I just do it CONSCIOUSLY and do it FREQUENTLY. Hmm? What does that say about me? I don’t know... may be I think too much. What do you think?
9:13 AM
It’s been a while since I remembered “my dreams.” You know the ones that go along with R.E.M. sleep.
2 Dream Scenes in One Night :
1) Phantom bumps and bouncing in the night
I’m dreaming that I’m sleeping in my bed and it feels like something or someone is under the bed pushing it up. Bouncing me up and down. In the dream I wake up and wonder if there is someone under my bed. When I wake (still in the dream) it looks like, it appears as if it is the middle of the night, 3am or something. As the bed is still bouncing, I reason maybe it’s an earthquake rather than some phantom intruder under the bed. And that's the end of the dream scene.
When I actually REALLY wake up and get up at 7:00am I wonder if there was an actual earthquake and not something purely in a dream world. At this point I’m not sure!? Also so I notice that my bed in my dream was positioned differently than it is currently... Hmm....
2) Language, culture and trilingual-ism
Another scene in my dreaming last night: I’m at a dimly lit restaurant. The light seems like it's being run thru an orange filter... It’s one of those restaurants like Applebee’s or Chili’s or TGI Friday’s where a bunch of antiques and memorabilia hang on the walls and ceilings. I’m sitting by myself at a table observing the people sitting at the other tables around me. I notice 3 “Asian” teenage boys sitting together talking. They’re speaking to one another in English.
An older “Asian” man and woman walk in, not noticing the 3 Boys the couple sit down 2 or 3 tables from the boys. I guess they are the parents of the boys when they say something witty about "their children” being too cool to sit with them. Then I hear the "parents" and “children" speak Chinese (I can’t tell if it’s Mandarin or Cantonese) and Tagalog to each other!
Wow! languages!
Random stuff...
Not a dream just something funny I remembered last week:
A 12 year old teased because I had yellow ducks with orange beaks imprinted on a baby blue towel that I use to wipe my sweat during kickboxing class. Mikey makes fun of all "older" fighters at the gym. We at F.S.A. enjoy training WITH younger kids. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey is a fighter, too. Mikey can kick butt!
This kind is full on "zingers." One he said to me last week was: “You might bleed while you’re shadow boxing.” I often get a bloody nose during sparring after just a few punches to the head.
Another time before class we were watching a tape of one of Mark's fights. Mark is our head Muay Trainer. The fight is from 10 or so years ago and it Mark wins by unanimous decision, but is unable to knockout his opponent. Mikey says to Mark, “How come you couldn’t finish that guy; he was pretty weak.”
I notice about myself:
I constantly make connections with everything. And if there is no apparent connection, I make one in my mind. To me everything is connected. In my head, in head. I connect seemingly incompatible ideas. People with food, peanuts and salsa or something. Or education and the orange tree in the back yard that I gaze at thru the window as I type...I connect people with ideas. Ideas with ideas. And “Everything is Zen.”
Often I will preface what I say or write with a phrase such as “This is random, but let me tell it to ya anyway.” In my mind it is not random at all, it makes PERFECT Sense. When I was younger I learned that my mind skips 3 or 4 “logical” steps, so when I speak or write I go from A to F without explaining B, C, D or E. This results in people not understanding or misunderstanding me. Since those days I’ve learned to THINK Before I SPEAK and to consider how others will interpret what I say.
And we all do this— Make connections, that is. I just do it CONSCIOUSLY and do it FREQUENTLY. Hmm? What does that say about me? I don’t know... may be I think too much. What do you think?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Busy-ness
What is going on with our society when we're too busy to BE with one another? I mean... after all we are a society; we socialize, right?
Too busy to do this, to busy to do that.
Too busy to spend time with _______
Too busy to write, too busy to call
So the question is busy doing what?
School, work, alone time, chores, errands. etc.
buys-ness, it's busy-ness. business. corporate-like
Maybe it's a matter of prioritizing what's important to us.
People are important.
Well so is sustaining ourselves (Work to pay bills, Rent and groceries),
and personal growth (school)
So I don't really know what my point is. I'm probably too busy being busy.
But I think we all should re-assess HOW we spend our time
and WHY we spend more time on certain things than others.
Me: I divide my time into 4 categories:
MIND: this has to do with planning, being organizing, problem solving, HW, etc. mental exercise
BODY: this is exercising (physically) regularly and eating healthy moderate portions of food
HEART: this about spending time with people and connecting with people
SPIRIT: this one is being with yourself and the universe at the same time. think about it.
All these areas need to be nurtured.
You must spend time on each one
You must put effort into each one.
These four "divisions" are not exclusively to one another; they mix and mesh into one another...
But anyway, let me step down from my soapbox. I got to start work.....
Too busy to do this, to busy to do that.
Too busy to spend time with _______
Too busy to write, too busy to call
So the question is busy doing what?
School, work, alone time, chores, errands. etc.
buys-ness, it's busy-ness. business. corporate-like
Maybe it's a matter of prioritizing what's important to us.
People are important.
Well so is sustaining ourselves (Work to pay bills, Rent and groceries),
and personal growth (school)
So I don't really know what my point is. I'm probably too busy being busy.
But I think we all should re-assess HOW we spend our time
and WHY we spend more time on certain things than others.
Me: I divide my time into 4 categories:
MIND: this has to do with planning, being organizing, problem solving, HW, etc. mental exercise
BODY: this is exercising (physically) regularly and eating healthy moderate portions of food
HEART: this about spending time with people and connecting with people
SPIRIT: this one is being with yourself and the universe at the same time. think about it.
All these areas need to be nurtured.
You must spend time on each one
You must put effort into each one.
These four "divisions" are not exclusively to one another; they mix and mesh into one another...
But anyway, let me step down from my soapbox. I got to start work.....
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tid Bits from the Weekend
Tid Bits from the Weekend
Cassette tapes and music on them from the late 80's and early 90's.
Family, family =) my wonderful family: Moving, Spending time, Moving UP and To the Great Unknown.
Moving: Brother and sister in-law moved to Concord just 2 weeks ago
Spending time: but they visit this side of the Bay and we take Mom and Dad out to eat for late (Mom's ) and early (Dad's) Birthday celebrations.
Moving UP: a cousin of mind is the recipient of a Bio-Chem. Fellowship at Stanford.
To the Great Unknown: My uncle just passed away Saturday at 3:30am (Cancer). My parents where there with my aunt at the last breath.
Now family is visiting family like family does during such times. I should talk more about this, but tid bits....tid bits....
I have a BIG Family! 16 or so aunts and uncles along with a million of my cousins ALL live in the Bay Area and I see a lot of them on a regular basis.
other un-related tid bits:
-To Get Lost in someone else’s world cause your world is “oh so” familiar and routine.
-Jack Johnson’s latest album, Sleep Through the Static
-Bruised knee and a new scar
-Blogs. Blogs are peculiar things. You write to No One and Every One.
I guess we write them because we want an audience… otherwise we would keep it to ourselves…, hmm… but our intended audience might just be a few friends that subscribe to our blog, or might be...well anybody really, anyone that may stumble across it on the WORLD WIDE WEB…or No body if no one visits it!?
OR.... maybe MY audience is my FUTURE SELF reading old blogs. Ah ha!
hmm....tid bits, pineapple tid bits!
I liked eating those as a kid.
ok bye!
Cassette tapes and music on them from the late 80's and early 90's.
Family, family =) my wonderful family: Moving, Spending time, Moving UP and To the Great Unknown.
Moving: Brother and sister in-law moved to Concord just 2 weeks ago
Spending time: but they visit this side of the Bay and we take Mom and Dad out to eat for late (Mom's ) and early (Dad's) Birthday celebrations.
Moving UP: a cousin of mind is the recipient of a Bio-Chem. Fellowship at Stanford.
To the Great Unknown: My uncle just passed away Saturday at 3:30am (Cancer). My parents where there with my aunt at the last breath.
Now family is visiting family like family does during such times. I should talk more about this, but tid bits....tid bits....
I have a BIG Family! 16 or so aunts and uncles along with a million of my cousins ALL live in the Bay Area and I see a lot of them on a regular basis.
other un-related tid bits:
-To Get Lost in someone else’s world cause your world is “oh so” familiar and routine.
-Jack Johnson’s latest album, Sleep Through the Static
-Bruised knee and a new scar
-Blogs. Blogs are peculiar things. You write to No One and Every One.
I guess we write them because we want an audience… otherwise we would keep it to ourselves…, hmm… but our intended audience might just be a few friends that subscribe to our blog, or might be...well anybody really, anyone that may stumble across it on the WORLD WIDE WEB…or No body if no one visits it!?
OR.... maybe MY audience is my FUTURE SELF reading old blogs. Ah ha!
hmm....tid bits, pineapple tid bits!
I liked eating those as a kid.
ok bye!
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