Hollow and helpless....
What's the point!?
Hmmm...Let's escape by writing about some one else's life! whoop-dee-do!
Yah know....Writing just isn't....
Well. It's a possiblity. The idea of: making choices and consquences for characters, exploring possiblities in some fictous world and researching historical/contextual information seems escapist, but at least it's productive and creative!
Or instead why not talk to somebody about it?
Well, there's a danger in talking to strangers, so maybe it's better to talk to one's self....and write....
People have their own sh*t they stepping in and then wiping off of their shoes.
Or it just might be a case of the blind leading the blind.
I'm sure I'll feel better in time. That's life! Sunshine and rain.
So now, let the rain come down.
Let the confusion set in...
and the mucking in the mud begin.
Sunshine is somewhere ahead.
It's fine.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Eccentricities of a Sane/Mad Man
Monday Morning,
April 21, 2008
8:45:04 AM
Eccentricities of Sane/Mad Man
So here’s the Situation: This morning, but 10 minutes or so ago, I almost got into a few high speed car accidents while driving on 280 North on the way to work. Yar! (I don’t where that pirate expletive came from!) So anyway, also during the hectic trek to campus, these strange insightful thoughts dance about in the head. They twirled and turned, leaped and crashed like a quintet of wild ballerinas on crank, gracefully bumping into one another, these thoughts.
Now, in an office at work, with a bowl of cereal and milk, a mixed CD playing The Killers, Tear for Fears and other shit, I feel ready to write, to explore, make some sense of, attempt to string these thought together:
F*ck, I have to start work SOON.
So let me just start a list, then maybe hopefully elaborate later..
Ok,here's the list, thoughts separated from each other by "~~~~~~~~"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Focus on what I can give… Rather than on what I want, what I think I need from the world, want from people, certain persons, from society…
What can I give?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--The narrator of Dostoevsky’s novel, Notes from the Underground begins with the line, “I am a sick man.” The novel continues and we see how sick he is.
Now maybe…just maybe I am a healthy man, I think....
Or maybe I’m the sickest kind, the kind that doesn’t believe he’s sick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Seneca or was it Epicurus' 3 RULES to HAPPINESS
1) Self-Sufficiency
2) Having friends
3) An Examined life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Tears for Fears, subscribed to Janoff’s Primal Scream Therapy note their song Everybody Wants to Rule the World starts with the words:
“Welcome to your life / there’s no turning back…”
And um duh, their song Shout "Shout, shout let it all out / these are the things I can do without..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn gotta work now!
Oh well...
After thought: I should double check the sources/references, Bah! it's just a blog!
April 21, 2008
8:45:04 AM
Eccentricities of Sane/Mad Man
So here’s the Situation: This morning, but 10 minutes or so ago, I almost got into a few high speed car accidents while driving on 280 North on the way to work. Yar! (I don’t where that pirate expletive came from!) So anyway, also during the hectic trek to campus, these strange insightful thoughts dance about in the head. They twirled and turned, leaped and crashed like a quintet of wild ballerinas on crank, gracefully bumping into one another, these thoughts.
Now, in an office at work, with a bowl of cereal and milk, a mixed CD playing The Killers, Tear for Fears and other shit, I feel ready to write, to explore, make some sense of, attempt to string these thought together:
F*ck, I have to start work SOON.
So let me just start a list, then maybe hopefully elaborate later..
Ok,here's the list, thoughts separated from each other by "~~~~~~~~"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Focus on what I can give… Rather than on what I want, what I think I need from the world, want from people, certain persons, from society…
What can I give?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--The narrator of Dostoevsky’s novel, Notes from the Underground begins with the line, “I am a sick man.” The novel continues and we see how sick he is.
Now maybe…just maybe I am a healthy man, I think....
Or maybe I’m the sickest kind, the kind that doesn’t believe he’s sick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Seneca or was it Epicurus' 3 RULES to HAPPINESS
1) Self-Sufficiency
2) Having friends
3) An Examined life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Tears for Fears, subscribed to Janoff’s Primal Scream Therapy note their song Everybody Wants to Rule the World starts with the words:
“Welcome to your life / there’s no turning back…”
And um duh, their song Shout "Shout, shout let it all out / these are the things I can do without..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn gotta work now!
Oh well...
After thought: I should double check the sources/references, Bah! it's just a blog!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Building and Going Over Fences
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was browsing an old surf mag earlier this morning and came across an article by Gerry Lopez, a guy I aspire to be like in many ways. Most important to me is that he is just one cool guy! But most may know of him as a surfer, a surfboard shaper, an actor who has played surfers in "mainstream" surf movies such as North Shore and Big Wednesday (he cameos as himself in this one). He's an environmentalist, a contributing writer to surf periodicals and a guy who is interviewed as well as surfs in a whole lot of…. I guess I can call them “non-mainstream” surf movies, the ones you only see in surf shops.
All that said, what I admire most about him is his: down to earth, humble, compassionate and zen-like attitude towards life. I have never met him, but all these qualities come thru in interviews and articles...
At any rate, on page 84 in the December 2007 issue of SURFING magazine that I picked up from a magazine rack in my bathroom this morning
He writes: "Life is quite a journey, we find something we like and immediately build a fence around it to keep it the same. Then something else comes along and we are over that fence in a flash without hardly a look back."
Gerry is talking about surf destinations and surf travel, but the idea seems to be applicable to our attention span towards anything really...
hmmm... I'm feeling restless now, I feel like climbing over a fence and discovering something new, what ever it may be. And the weird thing is, I don't think I'm necessarily yearning to be in some far off destination. I'm thinking maybe it's more about being able to know someone, to really get to know someone in a way like. . like getting to know a new place, like familiarizing yourself with a neighborhood you just moved into. I don't know really... but anybody want to hop some fences?
I was browsing an old surf mag earlier this morning and came across an article by Gerry Lopez, a guy I aspire to be like in many ways. Most important to me is that he is just one cool guy! But most may know of him as a surfer, a surfboard shaper, an actor who has played surfers in "mainstream" surf movies such as North Shore and Big Wednesday (he cameos as himself in this one). He's an environmentalist, a contributing writer to surf periodicals and a guy who is interviewed as well as surfs in a whole lot of…. I guess I can call them “non-mainstream” surf movies, the ones you only see in surf shops.
All that said, what I admire most about him is his: down to earth, humble, compassionate and zen-like attitude towards life. I have never met him, but all these qualities come thru in interviews and articles...
At any rate, on page 84 in the December 2007 issue of SURFING magazine that I picked up from a magazine rack in my bathroom this morning
He writes: "Life is quite a journey, we find something we like and immediately build a fence around it to keep it the same. Then something else comes along and we are over that fence in a flash without hardly a look back."
Gerry is talking about surf destinations and surf travel, but the idea seems to be applicable to our attention span towards anything really...
hmmm... I'm feeling restless now, I feel like climbing over a fence and discovering something new, what ever it may be. And the weird thing is, I don't think I'm necessarily yearning to be in some far off destination. I'm thinking maybe it's more about being able to know someone, to really get to know someone in a way like. . like getting to know a new place, like familiarizing yourself with a neighborhood you just moved into. I don't know really... but anybody want to hop some fences?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A Heavy Mind
My mind is heavy.
The heft lingers. I wish it would spread thin like film
a photo negative filled with transparent images,
pictures we took of each other, of us and the world around
us
I wish it would spread thin, so I may function during the day.
So I may work, learn, train and attend a family event
[marking the 40th day since]
[and distribute tix and collect cash...]
I wish to spread the heft, so I may function,
But I do not want to whitewash The Blues
I do not want to diminish the Truth
I will keep the longing, sorrow, worry...
the uncertain feeling of
sand shifting on shore
by blue heavy swaying
ocean
I will keep it
I have no desire to fight or fade it,
nor do I want to run away from it.
I will sit with it...
the heavy-ness
Lean this way and that
feel the breeze and sit
with it.
The heft lingers. I wish it would spread thin like film
a photo negative filled with transparent images,
pictures we took of each other, of us and the world around
us
I wish it would spread thin, so I may function during the day.
So I may work, learn, train and attend a family event
[marking the 40th day since]
[and distribute tix and collect cash...]
I wish to spread the heft, so I may function,
But I do not want to whitewash The Blues
I do not want to diminish the Truth
I will keep the longing, sorrow, worry...
the uncertain feeling of
sand shifting on shore
by blue heavy swaying
ocean
I will keep it
I have no desire to fight or fade it,
nor do I want to run away from it.
I will sit with it...
the heavy-ness
Lean this way and that
feel the breeze and sit
with it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Break. Down.
Take a break, some "down time."
My body is "breaking down" from training-- this is part of it... Now I need to allow it to re-build itself, heal itself.
Emotional break down... is needed every now and then to purge the self of pent up stresses, stresses we may not be aware of until the actual break down.
Or in my case, hearing certain stories has dredged up old feelings of: disillusion, guilt and overwhelming...overwhelming...for lack of a better wor[l]d (interesting typo) OVERWHELMING-NESS.
I'm talking about myself, myself having been an educator for sometime now, and yesterday I was reminded of the state of education: teachers burning out, a faulty system, and students that have been let down...
But there is hope...
I'm still working thru ALL this and things come in bits and pieces...
Assessing myself, I think:
Why now am I drowning in memories? Why now when I have much to do today, much to do everyday? When I have much to plan for? Why now are these memories occupying my mind like an unwanted presence in a relatively "free and independent" country; Well... not quite the analogy I was going for, but hey! I'll leave it.
So 5-6 years ago I earned a living (barely) as an Advocate/Professional Mentor working with eight "at risk" first grade boys and their families. It was tough work. Like having octuplets and 8 sets of in-laws! I loved it! But it got to a point when it became too much, and I resigned my position. In a sense, I abandoned "my boys” and their families.
After QUITTING (no euphemism here) I then spent a year in isolation, depression, remorse, nihilistic oblivion and eventually... healing.
So that was 5-6 years ago, but yesterday I attended a talk on Multicultural Education for students and teachers, followed by workshop for just teachers. Social issues were discussed and...
At 2:47AM (3-4 hours ago) I am awake wondering how “my boys” are doing...
And now...I’m a freakin’ wreck! No, I exaggerate... I mean, couple these feelings with training for a fight...planning for grad school...and a bunch of other sh*t... NO. I am not going to complain.
I chose this and I
Ha…
I chose this
Epiphany.
Writing really is my therapy.
[disconnect]
Now I can go to... go to the day for the sun is up and I am ready to play again.
Let us all ENGAGE in Life-- this process of walking, running, tripping, falling, scraping a knee, shedding a tear (or maybe torrential downpour, haha), having a “loved one” (could be yourself!) kiss your boo-boo, then getting up, smiling and running back to play with the other kids…
Break. Down.
Get Up.
Go
and Repeat...
My body is "breaking down" from training-- this is part of it... Now I need to allow it to re-build itself, heal itself.
Emotional break down... is needed every now and then to purge the self of pent up stresses, stresses we may not be aware of until the actual break down.
Or in my case, hearing certain stories has dredged up old feelings of: disillusion, guilt and overwhelming...overwhelming...for lack of a better wor[l]d (interesting typo) OVERWHELMING-NESS.
I'm talking about myself, myself having been an educator for sometime now, and yesterday I was reminded of the state of education: teachers burning out, a faulty system, and students that have been let down...
But there is hope...
I'm still working thru ALL this and things come in bits and pieces...
Assessing myself, I think:
Why now am I drowning in memories? Why now when I have much to do today, much to do everyday? When I have much to plan for? Why now are these memories occupying my mind like an unwanted presence in a relatively "free and independent" country; Well... not quite the analogy I was going for, but hey! I'll leave it.
So 5-6 years ago I earned a living (barely) as an Advocate/Professional Mentor working with eight "at risk" first grade boys and their families. It was tough work. Like having octuplets and 8 sets of in-laws! I loved it! But it got to a point when it became too much, and I resigned my position. In a sense, I abandoned "my boys” and their families.
After QUITTING (no euphemism here) I then spent a year in isolation, depression, remorse, nihilistic oblivion and eventually... healing.
So that was 5-6 years ago, but yesterday I attended a talk on Multicultural Education for students and teachers, followed by workshop for just teachers. Social issues were discussed and...
At 2:47AM (3-4 hours ago) I am awake wondering how “my boys” are doing...
And now...I’m a freakin’ wreck! No, I exaggerate... I mean, couple these feelings with training for a fight...planning for grad school...and a bunch of other sh*t... NO. I am not going to complain.
I chose this and I
Ha…
I chose this
Epiphany.
Writing really is my therapy.
[disconnect]
Now I can go to... go to the day for the sun is up and I am ready to play again.
Let us all ENGAGE in Life-- this process of walking, running, tripping, falling, scraping a knee, shedding a tear (or maybe torrential downpour, haha), having a “loved one” (could be yourself!) kiss your boo-boo, then getting up, smiling and running back to play with the other kids…
Break. Down.
Get Up.
Go
and Repeat...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
No Matter...
No matter how much I try to stay away from internet blogging, I am inevitably drawn back to it. The need to share my thoughts with an audience, be it one person, or a mere few or maybe just myself reading these blogs in the near future, the need to share myself, to at least "feel" like I'm CONNECTED to something, this need pulls me back to this damn keyboard and this lighted screen, going thru myself and typing away...
I guess THIS is my therapy.
So as if it were I'm shrinking my own head! Thirty minute writing sprints, then times up, 'til next time.
So what issues do I have today?
hmmmm... none really.
Woah, what's that. It's 8:30pm and there's someone ringing at the door.
Haha.. My imagination is not as active as it was in previous blogs... let me go see who's at the door.
I'm back. ahh... it was just some family friends returning something I lent them a few days ago.
It wasn't my high school sweetheart that's come to tell me she bore me a child 10 years ago and didn't tell me about it. And NOW my 10 year old son/daughter wants me to be part of his/her life as does my high school sweetheart....
NOT!!! Haha OK, it appears that my imagination has kicked in! haha
Oh wait. Now my phone is ringing... who is it... Oh, it's my cousin.
I'm gonna talkin' to him.
Ok I'm back.
Huh...It's funny how I started this blog wanting to feel CONNECTED to something and...
Lo! and Behold: I got friends and family "connecting" with me from all angles!
This unvierse is a funny thing...
Any-hoo. My 30 minute session is up.
I'll be back again; I'm sure.
Leave a comment if you'd like to "connect " with me. I really DO appreciate comments. You have yourself good night.
Happy blogging/blog browsing to you!
Peace,
-pj
I guess THIS is my therapy.
So as if it were I'm shrinking my own head! Thirty minute writing sprints, then times up, 'til next time.
So what issues do I have today?
hmmmm... none really.
Woah, what's that. It's 8:30pm and there's someone ringing at the door.
Haha.. My imagination is not as active as it was in previous blogs... let me go see who's at the door.
I'm back. ahh... it was just some family friends returning something I lent them a few days ago.
It wasn't my high school sweetheart that's come to tell me she bore me a child 10 years ago and didn't tell me about it. And NOW my 10 year old son/daughter wants me to be part of his/her life as does my high school sweetheart....
NOT!!! Haha OK, it appears that my imagination has kicked in! haha
Oh wait. Now my phone is ringing... who is it... Oh, it's my cousin.
I'm gonna talkin' to him.
Ok I'm back.
Huh...It's funny how I started this blog wanting to feel CONNECTED to something and...
Lo! and Behold: I got friends and family "connecting" with me from all angles!
This unvierse is a funny thing...
Any-hoo. My 30 minute session is up.
I'll be back again; I'm sure.
Leave a comment if you'd like to "connect " with me. I really DO appreciate comments. You have yourself good night.
Happy blogging/blog browsing to you!
Peace,
-pj
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