breaking the rhythm

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
6:56 AM

Change, the world is changing, (the world is changing everyday, but more so NOW): the economic crisis, the recent election, the green movement to deal with Global warming ….etc etc yadda yadda.

Change, I need to do some major changing.

I‘ve been smoking, drinking, and not exercising as much. That needs to change.
I’ve been letting important tasks fall to the way side: personal statement for Grad school app. Even minor chores I procrastinate on: laundry, washing and vacuuming car…

I look at myself now and it’s interesting how there is change going on, but subtly…

Years ago when I was deep in depression I wrote “I don’t want to be a part of anything.” I remember feeling hopeless how I wanted to detach from everyone I knew and just fade away—resigned, succumbed to the numbness.

Now I am older, I feel wiser, and there is a different sadness, a lingering longing, a stuck feeling, again, but now I’ve been thinking lately and will now write: I long to be part of something—a relationship, then one day a family of my own. I want someone to know my intimate details, and I to know hers…and for us to be part of each other’s world…you know, all that lovey-dovey romantic mess. And maybe I am just succumbing the mainstream's answer to the 30 year old blues—go attach yourself to someone.

So realizing that, I also know that I always want adventure! Meeting new people, visiting new places: New experiences!

So what do I want? A Romantic Relationship? Personal Freedom? Who knows? We human beings are so fickle. We get so sure of ourselves and then change our minds at the drop of a dime. But I do know I want change, a break from the monotony, to BREAK THE RHYTHM, and start a new one.

I need change. To stir the waters; Stagnancy makes me stir-crazy… these days melt into one another, nothing separating one from the other, other than sleep.

To cope, we, you, I, somebody do/does the following:

Nostalgic, we look to the past for comfort in the familiar (and up until this moment, the forgotten, but now recalled). I’ve done that. And I also sulk. I have an indifferent, blank, facial expression when dwelling on today; I smile at the past, and tomorrow… I’ve been so fixated on brooding and reminiscing that I have not thought deeply about the future, my future.

So let me do that now…

Let me get excited about what the lies on the other side of the horizon. Let me chase it!

This is where I am at, getting excited about tomorrow.

It’s funny, I spend much of my time inspiring others, but what I need is to get MYSELF excited--to feel that passion again. This is where I’m at.

Where you at?

7:35 AM