Saturday, September 05, 2009
8:26 AM
So it’s like this: I don’t have Lupus. What a relief! The chronic fatigue was probably due to stress and overworking myself. So the joint pain remains, but having come to terms with the physical fact that my body is getting older, having coming to terms with that, my mind is conscious and can now mentally and physically adapt. So instead of fighting it, I’m working with it, adapting to it, and doing it all with a positive and patient attitude. And for that reason I so feel better. Mind helps the body heal.
My primary doctor referred me to a specialist for my joints, a rheumatologist. After seeing him, I know now that I do NOT have arthritis, but possibly Anthralgia, which is a general diagnosis for joint pain. And Dr. Lowe, the rheumatologist (he’s such a good guy, I had to mention him by name) admitted that I would not get a “real” diagnosis from any doctor, just because my symptom didn’t match with any diagnosis. He was very compassionate and shared how his body reacted to “getting older.” And suggested that that athletically performing at higher level for most of life, it’s only naturally I will notice the effects of aging more than the average person. It’s like wealth, the more you have, the more you feel the loss when it’s gone. Ok that doesn’t seem like an apt analogy.
Well what ev. . . I’m in a good place now. Keeping things simple, but still focused on improving myself and those around me.
Gotta run off to 2nd job now. Ya’ll be cool!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
mind and body and trees and forest and zombies and pride and prejudice and things unrelated to anything in this title or are they? hmmm....
Geez... where have I been? I haven't blogged in months! Just been going thru it...
I have questions: Does it matter where it started? What is more important, being conscious of the present or being ready for the future?
They're trick questions. They are ALL important, whether it is pertaining to finances, writing a story, friendships and relationships, education, career.
Where/how it started, where it's at and where it's going, are all important. We're talking the BIG PICTURE, here.
I'm going to focus in my own health, mental and physical.
WHERE IT STARTED: physical health: for the last year, maybe 2, probably 3, my joints have been f*cked up, mental aspect: I am a fighter at heart, and train thru the pain and probably made it worse. dilema: If I don't work out, I get fat and unhealthy. If I do work out, I fuck up my joints.
WHAT I WENT THRU AND WHERE I'M AT: It's gotten to the point where I *hardly* train because it feels like my body is falling apart. Mental: went thru the 7 stages of grieving.... I'm grieving the death of the active and athletic philip. (He's buried in the past, but who knows, we might resurect him!)
denial/shock--it doesn't hurt, "the pain is your muscles growing"
guilty/pain-- this is my fault, i should've known better than to train so hard
anger--I am not an angry man. but I was mad at the situation
depression/self isolation--what kind of "fighter" doesn't fight anymore? I couldn't answer this, so I kept to myself.
upward turn-- Ok this sucks: I need to do soemthing to better myself. Be proactive.
working thru it/reconstruction-- So I've seen a doctor and am in the process of being diagnosed. I am coming to terms with my limitations. I am changing, adapting to the situation at hand; this is what fighters do in the ring, in the gym, out in the road running and... in life-- we adapt to opponents, to injures, to any situation that may arise... etc.
hope and acceptance--this is where I'm at.
And of course, it can't be that simple, so let's throw a monkey wrench in it.
Along with the joint pain, I have chronic fatigue, but again, with the "can do" fighter attitude, I fight thru it.
I have this vainglorious idea that the universe/God/the powers that be/circumstance, what have you, makes things harder for me because I can take it. I am physically and mentally tougher than the average person, not to brag, but I know this and don't need to prove it to anyone. It is my blessing and curse. I can push myself, will myself to great heights, but at the expense of my own demise. Sometimes if you push yourself to the breaking point, you break.
Now here's the monkey wrench: my painful joints maybe a symptom of somthing bigger. I MIGHT have Lupus, a disease where the immune system can NOT recognize the difference between infections and the body itself, and so it attacks it's own tissues and muscles. In essence, the body is fighting itself.
So again, let me stress this: I have NOT been diagnosed with this disease. I am displaying many of the symptoms and that's it right now. I am waiting on blood tests, and even then, will probably have to take more tests to get an accurate diagnosis.
So here's the mental/physical aspect: Is knowning that I *might* have Lupus, affecting me in a psychosoamtic way? Am I exhibiting symptoms simply because my mind is starting to believe I have the disease.
At this point, I don't know. I'm in the thick of it. --Can't tell the difference between the forest and the trees, BUT I am looking, scrutinizing, and hopefully I'll see some truth.
WHERE IS IT GOING:
So like in the Guns and Roses song, "Sweet Child of Mine" I ask:
where do we go now, where do we go now (wicked guitar lick) where do we go...
aigh aigh aigh.....
Well, WHERE ever it is... I'm going with my eyes open and I am NOT going down with out a fight.
I'll keep ya'll updated as things make themselves clear.
Now don't ya'll be spreading rumors like: "Phil has lupus" or "Philip is a hypochondraic."
I can still kick your ass, physically and verbally,that is, if it comes down to it. but ya'll know me, I'm a nice guy. I don't participate in violence, unless... we agreed upon it and do it respectfully as a form of art!
peace ya'll. keep yourself conscious!
I have questions: Does it matter where it started? What is more important, being conscious of the present or being ready for the future?
They're trick questions. They are ALL important, whether it is pertaining to finances, writing a story, friendships and relationships, education, career.
Where/how it started, where it's at and where it's going, are all important. We're talking the BIG PICTURE, here.
I'm going to focus in my own health, mental and physical.
WHERE IT STARTED: physical health: for the last year, maybe 2, probably 3, my joints have been f*cked up, mental aspect: I am a fighter at heart, and train thru the pain and probably made it worse. dilema: If I don't work out, I get fat and unhealthy. If I do work out, I fuck up my joints.
WHAT I WENT THRU AND WHERE I'M AT: It's gotten to the point where I *hardly* train because it feels like my body is falling apart. Mental: went thru the 7 stages of grieving.... I'm grieving the death of the active and athletic philip. (He's buried in the past, but who knows, we might resurect him!)
denial/shock--it doesn't hurt, "the pain is your muscles growing"
guilty/pain-- this is my fault, i should've known better than to train so hard
anger--I am not an angry man. but I was mad at the situation
depression/self isolation--what kind of "fighter" doesn't fight anymore? I couldn't answer this, so I kept to myself.
upward turn-- Ok this sucks: I need to do soemthing to better myself. Be proactive.
working thru it/reconstruction-- So I've seen a doctor and am in the process of being diagnosed. I am coming to terms with my limitations. I am changing, adapting to the situation at hand; this is what fighters do in the ring, in the gym, out in the road running and... in life-- we adapt to opponents, to injures, to any situation that may arise... etc.
hope and acceptance--this is where I'm at.
And of course, it can't be that simple, so let's throw a monkey wrench in it.
Along with the joint pain, I have chronic fatigue, but again, with the "can do" fighter attitude, I fight thru it.
I have this vainglorious idea that the universe/God/the powers that be/circumstance, what have you, makes things harder for me because I can take it. I am physically and mentally tougher than the average person, not to brag, but I know this and don't need to prove it to anyone. It is my blessing and curse. I can push myself, will myself to great heights, but at the expense of my own demise. Sometimes if you push yourself to the breaking point, you break.
Now here's the monkey wrench: my painful joints maybe a symptom of somthing bigger. I MIGHT have Lupus, a disease where the immune system can NOT recognize the difference between infections and the body itself, and so it attacks it's own tissues and muscles. In essence, the body is fighting itself.
So again, let me stress this: I have NOT been diagnosed with this disease. I am displaying many of the symptoms and that's it right now. I am waiting on blood tests, and even then, will probably have to take more tests to get an accurate diagnosis.
So here's the mental/physical aspect: Is knowning that I *might* have Lupus, affecting me in a psychosoamtic way? Am I exhibiting symptoms simply because my mind is starting to believe I have the disease.
At this point, I don't know. I'm in the thick of it. --Can't tell the difference between the forest and the trees, BUT I am looking, scrutinizing, and hopefully I'll see some truth.
WHERE IS IT GOING:
So like in the Guns and Roses song, "Sweet Child of Mine" I ask:
where do we go now, where do we go now (wicked guitar lick) where do we go...
aigh aigh aigh.....
Well, WHERE ever it is... I'm going with my eyes open and I am NOT going down with out a fight.
I'll keep ya'll updated as things make themselves clear.
Now don't ya'll be spreading rumors like: "Phil has lupus" or "Philip is a hypochondraic."
I can still kick your ass, physically and verbally,that is, if it comes down to it. but ya'll know me, I'm a nice guy. I don't participate in violence, unless... we agreed upon it and do it respectfully as a form of art!
peace ya'll. keep yourself conscious!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
insomniac ponderings
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
2:00 AM
I am not a serious writer...yet. I have too many other things I care about too much that keep from putting the time and effort required to live "that" life. And maybe I never will be a serious writer. But I dream of it... I do. I understand it takes some sacrifice and dedication. And this is where I am lacking. At this point, I am not willing to make sacrifices. Not ready to devote myself to the art.
But I am moving in that direction. Other interests occupy me less ...muay thai/kickboxing/martials arts, which in itself demands the whole being...mind, body and heart. Well...to be honest, I will never stop being a "fighter," but it is taking less prescedence in my life. But then there is education and career...
But writing... time and again, I flirt with the idea of doing it seriously, but seem to get distracted, or grow lazy. It's as if I hide from what I am.
I remember when I had the "impulse" when I was young and driven, and the world was alive and I had to write about it all.
I miss that.
When did I become so serious and uptight?
Time can do that to you.
But you have a choice to be conscious, to go against that unseen force lulling you into a comfortable hibernating state.
Gotta bring the Spring, re-awaken. Engage the pain; stretch limbs and reach... do not shy away from the strange impulses and wonderings of the mind.
Ha a... a h... Breathe...
And also feel the stillness.
And keep at it. Keep writing. Keep writing. This is what keeps me alive.
I have crumpled pieces of yellow binder paper with barely legible jottings, folders, boxes, and notebooks of unfinished stories, scenes, undeveloped characters, sketchy plots, notes scrawled on the back of receipts that I haven’t touched nor thought of in months...
Now is a good time to visit with some old friends...
We'll see what comes of this visit.
2:00 AM
I am not a serious writer...yet. I have too many other things I care about too much that keep from putting the time and effort required to live "that" life. And maybe I never will be a serious writer. But I dream of it... I do. I understand it takes some sacrifice and dedication. And this is where I am lacking. At this point, I am not willing to make sacrifices. Not ready to devote myself to the art.
But I am moving in that direction. Other interests occupy me less ...muay thai/kickboxing/martials arts, which in itself demands the whole being...mind, body and heart. Well...to be honest, I will never stop being a "fighter," but it is taking less prescedence in my life. But then there is education and career...
But writing... time and again, I flirt with the idea of doing it seriously, but seem to get distracted, or grow lazy. It's as if I hide from what I am.
I remember when I had the "impulse" when I was young and driven, and the world was alive and I had to write about it all.
I miss that.
When did I become so serious and uptight?
Time can do that to you.
But you have a choice to be conscious, to go against that unseen force lulling you into a comfortable hibernating state.
Gotta bring the Spring, re-awaken. Engage the pain; stretch limbs and reach... do not shy away from the strange impulses and wonderings of the mind.
Ha a... a h... Breathe...
And also feel the stillness.
And keep at it. Keep writing. Keep writing. This is what keeps me alive.
I have crumpled pieces of yellow binder paper with barely legible jottings, folders, boxes, and notebooks of unfinished stories, scenes, undeveloped characters, sketchy plots, notes scrawled on the back of receipts that I haven’t touched nor thought of in months...
Now is a good time to visit with some old friends...
We'll see what comes of this visit.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
the dead is alive
reduce, re-use, recycle.
I'm talking about me. I'm talking about writing.
REDUCE-- reduce wasted time (TV and mindless internet browsing), time I could be writing
RE-USE/RECYCLE-- as I've hardly written and am out of practice (almost half a year! where does the time go?), I will re-acquaint myself with my style, with my processes, with my voice by re-cycling old stuff...
Hopefully I 'll find that spark again.
I've lost that inspired and driven Philip. Where did he go?
I miss that guy. Strange, it's like he's dead. But I read his writing and he is resurrected for a brief moment. I hope he stays with me.
He fell comatose sometime ago, but now think I see his finger twitching.
Here's the Philip I'm talking about from two years ago
JUNE 2007
I feel SEMI- retired: I work weekends at a Surf Shop (often surfing before and after work) and I work 3 days during the work week, each a 4-hour shift from 9am - 1pm, MWF . I have no work at all on Tuesdays and Thursdays; these are the days I kickbox and catch up with house chores and running errands.
I have a lot free time to read, write, relax, work out, think to myself and ponder life's possibilities. I am 29 years old and living a semi-retired lifestyle! I have to say it is pretty awesome!
I used to worry that I wouldn't know what to do with myself when I retired, but after living the way I have these past 2 weeks, I feel self assured that I will be stoked as ever to have free time! And that I'll be able to make the most of it!
The other side of living this way is that I must lead a simple life.
No 'Lotta Work, No 'Lotta money
I do not throw away money towards excess things: clothes, haircuts, useless gadgets and do-dats, fast food &c...&c. I spend money on groceries, gas and bills...and that's about it.
It is nice to be free of things...I feel light and FREE.
I entertain myself by browsing
and borrowing books, CDs and DVDs
from the public library.
I cook my own food.
I train muay thai.
I read books in cafés.
I listen to music.
I surf.
And spend time with people...good times =)
I write.
With money saved, I travel.
I MAKE time to reflect on my life.
I MAKE time to savor the moments that have past
I TAKE time to recall the experiences that have taught me something
and have deepened my understanding and insight into life and living.
And on the other side of the things, I think about the future...
what I hope to achieve:
higher education,
a career in education,
community service,
starting a family one day.
I think on these things and make plans to get there.
And at the same time
I appreciate where I am right now.
I breathe in the moment
let the beauty of it all fill me
with an easiness, a steadiness,
a sense of peace and awe.
ahhh... to be alive.
to have lived the life I have lived thus far
and to look to tomorrow
waiting for it to unfold, to see where my life will go next.
very exciting and anxious...
but let's take things in stride... steady as she goes...
For me, January 2008 will be the time to hustle! Going to start Grad. School then! But 'til then ...I flow in my semi-retired state and make steps to the starting line. Stretching and strategizing and feeling the wind...
Peace to you and yours. Remember to be easy; hustle when you need to, but do it all with a gentle grace....
-pHILIP Payumo Jucaban
That philip is inspiring. It's funny. Back then I thought I was going to be starting Grad school, but instead, a few months after I wrote that, I phased out of my semi retired state and instead of starting Grad school, I got my current job at CCSF, where I've been for the past 2 years now. and I feel like I've been dead for the past two years...hmmmm...I guess a full time job can really change things.
But damn, I need to stop recycle and start creating. Be here NOW! geez!
I'm talking about me. I'm talking about writing.
REDUCE-- reduce wasted time (TV and mindless internet browsing), time I could be writing
RE-USE/RECYCLE-- as I've hardly written and am out of practice (almost half a year! where does the time go?), I will re-acquaint myself with my style, with my processes, with my voice by re-cycling old stuff...
Hopefully I 'll find that spark again.
I've lost that inspired and driven Philip. Where did he go?
I miss that guy. Strange, it's like he's dead. But I read his writing and he is resurrected for a brief moment. I hope he stays with me.
He fell comatose sometime ago, but now think I see his finger twitching.
Here's the Philip I'm talking about from two years ago
JUNE 2007
I feel SEMI- retired: I work weekends at a Surf Shop (often surfing before and after work) and I work 3 days during the work week, each a 4-hour shift from 9am - 1pm, MWF . I have no work at all on Tuesdays and Thursdays; these are the days I kickbox and catch up with house chores and running errands.
I have a lot free time to read, write, relax, work out, think to myself and ponder life's possibilities. I am 29 years old and living a semi-retired lifestyle! I have to say it is pretty awesome!
I used to worry that I wouldn't know what to do with myself when I retired, but after living the way I have these past 2 weeks, I feel self assured that I will be stoked as ever to have free time! And that I'll be able to make the most of it!
The other side of living this way is that I must lead a simple life.
No 'Lotta Work, No 'Lotta money
I do not throw away money towards excess things: clothes, haircuts, useless gadgets and do-dats, fast food &c...&c. I spend money on groceries, gas and bills...and that's about it.
It is nice to be free of things...I feel light and FREE.
I entertain myself by browsing
and borrowing books, CDs and DVDs
from the public library.
I cook my own food.
I train muay thai.
I read books in cafés.
I listen to music.
I surf.
And spend time with people...good times =)
I write.
With money saved, I travel.
I MAKE time to reflect on my life.
I MAKE time to savor the moments that have past
I TAKE time to recall the experiences that have taught me something
and have deepened my understanding and insight into life and living.
And on the other side of the things, I think about the future...
what I hope to achieve:
higher education,
a career in education,
community service,
starting a family one day.
I think on these things and make plans to get there.
And at the same time
I appreciate where I am right now.
I breathe in the moment
let the beauty of it all fill me
with an easiness, a steadiness,
a sense of peace and awe.
ahhh... to be alive.
to have lived the life I have lived thus far
and to look to tomorrow
waiting for it to unfold, to see where my life will go next.
very exciting and anxious...
but let's take things in stride... steady as she goes...
For me, January 2008 will be the time to hustle! Going to start Grad. School then! But 'til then ...I flow in my semi-retired state and make steps to the starting line. Stretching and strategizing and feeling the wind...
Peace to you and yours. Remember to be easy; hustle when you need to, but do it all with a gentle grace....
-pHILIP Payumo Jucaban
That philip is inspiring. It's funny. Back then I thought I was going to be starting Grad school, but instead, a few months after I wrote that, I phased out of my semi retired state and instead of starting Grad school, I got my current job at CCSF, where I've been for the past 2 years now. and I feel like I've been dead for the past two years...hmmmm...I guess a full time job can really change things.
But damn, I need to stop recycle and start creating. Be here NOW! geez!
Friday, April 3, 2009
untitled
she
she keeps to herself
thinking about him
nobody knows this
but she does
somtimes
she is nobody
sometimes
a wall flower
back resting againt floral wall paper
sometimes
in late summer afternoons
she goes to the park
and watches children play
they smile and giggle
she smiles, too
she thinks of him...
he
he is stumble drunk
nicotine tobacco light headed
and belly full from a heavy meal
empty
he searches...
he walks aimlessly
sifting thru trash cans and
peering down rain filled storm drains
when the walking provides no reprieve
he goes home
in a room with no clocks
he re-searches a lost purpose
in stacks of books that made him dumb
on his wrist, a broken watch stuck at 12:59
he wants to escape himself and thinks
there's that girl
he hesitates with her
prepoccupied with existential
bull shit
she doesn't know him
like he knows himself
and he's lost
himself inside himself
just like
she watches it all
pass by her
they both don't know shit
but shit knows them
she delights in simple things:
a good book, a glass of wine and
warm fuzzy slippers
late at night
she sits with herself
knitting a scarf
for nobody in particular
she flickers
"here i am! where did I go"
like a candle dying
before it goes out
she calls him
at 12:58 in a space between
their nothingness-es
they meet for a drink
they go to...
do little dance
make a little love...
in her bed
together
they close their eyes
tight
count to nine
and...
live happily
THE BEGINNING
she keeps to herself
thinking about him
nobody knows this
but she does
somtimes
she is nobody
sometimes
a wall flower
back resting againt floral wall paper
sometimes
in late summer afternoons
she goes to the park
and watches children play
they smile and giggle
she smiles, too
she thinks of him...
he
he is stumble drunk
nicotine tobacco light headed
and belly full from a heavy meal
empty
he searches...
he walks aimlessly
sifting thru trash cans and
peering down rain filled storm drains
when the walking provides no reprieve
he goes home
in a room with no clocks
he re-searches a lost purpose
in stacks of books that made him dumb
on his wrist, a broken watch stuck at 12:59
he wants to escape himself and thinks
there's that girl
he hesitates with her
prepoccupied with existential
bull shit
she doesn't know him
like he knows himself
and he's lost
himself inside himself
just like
she watches it all
pass by her
they both don't know shit
but shit knows them
she delights in simple things:
a good book, a glass of wine and
warm fuzzy slippers
late at night
she sits with herself
knitting a scarf
for nobody in particular
she flickers
"here i am! where did I go"
like a candle dying
before it goes out
she calls him
at 12:58 in a space between
their nothingness-es
they meet for a drink
they go to...
do little dance
make a little love...
in her bed
together
they close their eyes
tight
count to nine
and...
live happily
THE BEGINNING
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Catharsis and Enlightment
"Do you have the time...
to listen to me whine...
about nothing and everything all at once?"
--Green Day
Saturday, March 21, 2009
7:55 AM
Here I am, fallen apart and picking up pieces.
What am I dealing with?
My body is fragile due to age, genetics, hereditary reasons... whatever the cause, it sucks! And though my mind is tough, it doesn’t make up. It doesn't. I try to work my way thru it, but am learning the emotional toll can be more taxing than the physical one. And I understand it is my own INTENSE determination that kills me. I know I need to relax and adapt to my physical limitations. I do as much as I can, but it is discouraging when every joint aches and I can’t do things the way I used to. I have High Standards for myself, and when I fall short of MY high standards, my spirit dies a little. It doesn’t matter to me that I have weak joints. I still expect myself to perform at a higher level.
My heart, my spirit wants to put in the work, so I can perform at that Higher Level that I aspire to, BUT my injuries keep me from fully engaging. I worry about my ankles, wrists, shoulders, hips, knees. But when I'm training, I put that out of my mind, yet on a SUB-conscious level, I'm wondering if I’m going to further injure myself, so though my conscious mind is willing, my body hesitates because of that sub-conscious shit!
And here’s the thing, I spend more time adapting to the multiple ailments than actually practicing skills. I do learn and understand the skills theoretically, but can not do the mass repetition needed to develop the muscle memory. I hate this.
I want to be MORE THAN the guy with the “always going forward” aggressive style, a mean right cross and a concrete chin. There is no skill involved in that! There's no art. I want to develop skills, but my body limits me from developing the muscle memory, proper technique, the agility and so I fall back to being a slugger. All heart, no skill.
OK, I should stop being so hard on myself (But that IS WHO I AM) So let me do something about it. OK, since I can’t develop speed, cuz my joints won’t let me, I can practice timing, that is striking at the right, opportune moment to compensate for my lack of speed. Yeah, I can do that. And I can think of others ways to adapt, too, but this takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So I would like to live the art, the martial arts way of life, but what of my other passions?
I am a Student of various disciplines, and I attempt to put my ALL into each, 100%.
100% into writing
100% into martial arts
100% into the art of teaching
100% into surfing
400%, it is not humanly possible and even attempting to, I’ve learned is INSANE!
I could do 25% for each discipline, but then I do NOT fully embrace any one of them. I do not accomplish what I could have I had put in 100%.
This is killing me!
My love is divided.
These are the passions of my life,
and I can not live them, I can not embrace them.
I'm so instense about this stuff and maybe it's because I've put of thinking about it for a long time. Denial, maybe, or just too busy to reflect on it. And so the pressure built up and finally exploded! CATHARSIS
I've notice this is the way I do things. I operate in extremes; I’m either on or off. I’m trying to stay in the middle, to stop the pendulum from swinging so violently, and jarring my soul.
I am trying to find a way to better maneuver thru my life with this intense personality. Instense, as in intensely laid back, care free or (BIG SWING!)intensely high strung, purpose driven, hyper-organized. Let me take ownership of it all!
Maybe it’s because I try to live by other peoples’ standards. I mean, people have their own standards for themselves, and they don’t necessarily place them on me, but I do. I put it on myself, when I should be living by MY standards which should be suited to my personality. But then... I don’t want to be self righteous, and arrogant! But I also don’t want to be a people pleaser unable to live my truth. Well, I am conscious of it all, so that’s a start.
I want to take the time to do things right. To focus on myself, understand myself, again! I always do this. Assess self in relation to society. Well, having gone through thru this process many times over, makes it easier, doing it again.
And that’s MY life. That’s who I am and that’s what I do. I’m on, I’m off, I’m a flickering light. . .
There. Right there. I am at peace now. A sudden awareness, a calm... has fallen upon me. I have conquered myself (for the time being) and am now starting to look outside of myself, to look at those around me more intently ...
to listen to me whine...
about nothing and everything all at once?"
--Green Day
Saturday, March 21, 2009
7:55 AM
Here I am, fallen apart and picking up pieces.
What am I dealing with?
My body is fragile due to age, genetics, hereditary reasons... whatever the cause, it sucks! And though my mind is tough, it doesn’t make up. It doesn't. I try to work my way thru it, but am learning the emotional toll can be more taxing than the physical one. And I understand it is my own INTENSE determination that kills me. I know I need to relax and adapt to my physical limitations. I do as much as I can, but it is discouraging when every joint aches and I can’t do things the way I used to. I have High Standards for myself, and when I fall short of MY high standards, my spirit dies a little. It doesn’t matter to me that I have weak joints. I still expect myself to perform at a higher level.
My heart, my spirit wants to put in the work, so I can perform at that Higher Level that I aspire to, BUT my injuries keep me from fully engaging. I worry about my ankles, wrists, shoulders, hips, knees. But when I'm training, I put that out of my mind, yet on a SUB-conscious level, I'm wondering if I’m going to further injure myself, so though my conscious mind is willing, my body hesitates because of that sub-conscious shit!
And here’s the thing, I spend more time adapting to the multiple ailments than actually practicing skills. I do learn and understand the skills theoretically, but can not do the mass repetition needed to develop the muscle memory. I hate this.
I want to be MORE THAN the guy with the “always going forward” aggressive style, a mean right cross and a concrete chin. There is no skill involved in that! There's no art. I want to develop skills, but my body limits me from developing the muscle memory, proper technique, the agility and so I fall back to being a slugger. All heart, no skill.
OK, I should stop being so hard on myself (But that IS WHO I AM) So let me do something about it. OK, since I can’t develop speed, cuz my joints won’t let me, I can practice timing, that is striking at the right, opportune moment to compensate for my lack of speed. Yeah, I can do that. And I can think of others ways to adapt, too, but this takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So I would like to live the art, the martial arts way of life, but what of my other passions?
I am a Student of various disciplines, and I attempt to put my ALL into each, 100%.
100% into writing
100% into martial arts
100% into the art of teaching
100% into surfing
400%, it is not humanly possible and even attempting to, I’ve learned is INSANE!
I could do 25% for each discipline, but then I do NOT fully embrace any one of them. I do not accomplish what I could have I had put in 100%.
This is killing me!
My love is divided.
These are the passions of my life,
and I can not live them, I can not embrace them.
I'm so instense about this stuff and maybe it's because I've put of thinking about it for a long time. Denial, maybe, or just too busy to reflect on it. And so the pressure built up and finally exploded! CATHARSIS
I've notice this is the way I do things. I operate in extremes; I’m either on or off. I’m trying to stay in the middle, to stop the pendulum from swinging so violently, and jarring my soul.
I am trying to find a way to better maneuver thru my life with this intense personality. Instense, as in intensely laid back, care free or (BIG SWING!)intensely high strung, purpose driven, hyper-organized. Let me take ownership of it all!
Maybe it’s because I try to live by other peoples’ standards. I mean, people have their own standards for themselves, and they don’t necessarily place them on me, but I do. I put it on myself, when I should be living by MY standards which should be suited to my personality. But then... I don’t want to be self righteous, and arrogant! But I also don’t want to be a people pleaser unable to live my truth. Well, I am conscious of it all, so that’s a start.
I want to take the time to do things right. To focus on myself, understand myself, again! I always do this. Assess self in relation to society. Well, having gone through thru this process many times over, makes it easier, doing it again.
And that’s MY life. That’s who I am and that’s what I do. I’m on, I’m off, I’m a flickering light. . .
There. Right there. I am at peace now. A sudden awareness, a calm... has fallen upon me. I have conquered myself (for the time being) and am now starting to look outside of myself, to look at those around me more intently ...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
and my point is that i don't have one
unedited, poorly written, underdeveloped ranting....
The New Professionalism (well maybe just philip's profressionalism)
Professionalism. I don’t aspire to be a “professional.” I am quite happy being an amateur. I can act like a professional, and maybe that’s what professionalism is, a front- “look we’re polite, we act a certain way” FAKE, just saving face. Ya’ll worried about your reps. Well your rep is that you a sheep, if that’s what you are, that’s you; It’s all good. But me, I’d rather be myself, friendly most of the time, and if something’s bothering me, Ima let you know! Not like professionals do they do some process that’s usually non-confrontational and doesn’t really get the heart of the conflict out in the open. Instead they talk shit behind ya back. Why not just get it out and in the open, bring the drama, but then after… it’s squashed.
Ima change the world, by changing myself, I’m not trying to fit in when it doesn’t jive with me. We scared to stand out, we fear.
We prescribe to rules of social conduct, because we don’t know how to handle some “touchy” situations. We can’t figure it our ourselves. I say, go through the uncomfortable situation and learn how to deal with it, your own way. A lot of prescribed social conduct is based on avoidance. And NOT dealing with the conflict. So the conflict is hardly solved. Heated arguing IS communication. Honest exchanges. We trained to internalize the shit, and it trickles in the rest of our life. Why are we frustrated, isolated? Cuz we don’t communicate candidly with one another. We keep it in and it brews a toxic emotional stew. Why not speak it when it comes. You’ll be free-er, you’ll be honest with your feelings and frustrations that you have towards anyone. And when voiced, you are free of it.
Now “the professionals” look down on the open and expressive folk. They consider them uncivilized, don’t know how to act in public. Well may be the public needs to change the rules and be more inclusive rather than exclusive.
But we can’t handle that. Well, some people do, they are the outspoken criticized ones, they are the happy ones. They are brave enough to be themselves, they don’t hide from conflict.
Peace without justice is hypocrisy. Peace: no conflicts (externally at least). Justice: conflicts resolved fairly. Peace with out justice is hypocrisy.
And maybe I’m just a guy with a big mouth that wants others to speak out more, so I don’t stand out so much. I want others to conform to my way. I don’t want to conform to social pressure.
Ideally, we all meet somewhere between. I am unhappy when I don’t speak my mind. So all this is just me working through my shit!
Haha, you know I’m not tryin to change the people, I ‘m just being me. And you just be yourselve, even if it’s quiet and non-confrontational. It adds to the diversity of the world.
The New Professionalism (well maybe just philip's profressionalism)
Professionalism. I don’t aspire to be a “professional.” I am quite happy being an amateur. I can act like a professional, and maybe that’s what professionalism is, a front- “look we’re polite, we act a certain way” FAKE, just saving face. Ya’ll worried about your reps. Well your rep is that you a sheep, if that’s what you are, that’s you; It’s all good. But me, I’d rather be myself, friendly most of the time, and if something’s bothering me, Ima let you know! Not like professionals do they do some process that’s usually non-confrontational and doesn’t really get the heart of the conflict out in the open. Instead they talk shit behind ya back. Why not just get it out and in the open, bring the drama, but then after… it’s squashed.
Ima change the world, by changing myself, I’m not trying to fit in when it doesn’t jive with me. We scared to stand out, we fear.
We prescribe to rules of social conduct, because we don’t know how to handle some “touchy” situations. We can’t figure it our ourselves. I say, go through the uncomfortable situation and learn how to deal with it, your own way. A lot of prescribed social conduct is based on avoidance. And NOT dealing with the conflict. So the conflict is hardly solved. Heated arguing IS communication. Honest exchanges. We trained to internalize the shit, and it trickles in the rest of our life. Why are we frustrated, isolated? Cuz we don’t communicate candidly with one another. We keep it in and it brews a toxic emotional stew. Why not speak it when it comes. You’ll be free-er, you’ll be honest with your feelings and frustrations that you have towards anyone. And when voiced, you are free of it.
Now “the professionals” look down on the open and expressive folk. They consider them uncivilized, don’t know how to act in public. Well may be the public needs to change the rules and be more inclusive rather than exclusive.
But we can’t handle that. Well, some people do, they are the outspoken criticized ones, they are the happy ones. They are brave enough to be themselves, they don’t hide from conflict.
Peace without justice is hypocrisy. Peace: no conflicts (externally at least). Justice: conflicts resolved fairly. Peace with out justice is hypocrisy.
And maybe I’m just a guy with a big mouth that wants others to speak out more, so I don’t stand out so much. I want others to conform to my way. I don’t want to conform to social pressure.
Ideally, we all meet somewhere between. I am unhappy when I don’t speak my mind. So all this is just me working through my shit!
Haha, you know I’m not tryin to change the people, I ‘m just being me. And you just be yourselve, even if it’s quiet and non-confrontational. It adds to the diversity of the world.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
First Asian Boy
Check this out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CqbZNHaf1o
This made my day! Yes, I am an Asian Boy. haha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CqbZNHaf1o
This made my day! Yes, I am an Asian Boy. haha
I Know What Time It Is!
brainstorming...
It's like I tell my students, sometimes you don't know what you want to say until you start saying it...
and so in the early stages of writing an essay, I'll encourage them to just talk to me about their ideas aloud and it is while they are talking that they often figure out something to say, a point to make, or a question to explore. Just gotta get the ball rolling and not be so fixated on the presentation and "fancy" phrasing of it. Just get it out! You can refine it later! Granted, this does not always work, sometimes we talk in circles or hit mental road blocks.
So now I am taking my own advice...I am brainstorming!
In the last couple weeks, I've realized I am out of practice. I forgot how to write! Funny that I help students with their writing, but have done very little writing of my own this year. And I am really rusty!
Right now, I have no idea what I'm saying, but hopefully by the end I'll have said something meaningful.
So hmm... what's going on?
Well, I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am writing cause...I dont really know!? I thought about going for an early morning run, but my ankles are shot. I'm thinking about maybe surfing before work, hmmm... maybe. Or I could do some reading to prep for the classes I'm working with today, but I don't want to "work" right now. I could cook; I could clean, I could...
Aha! And now I know what it is I'm saying. My point is this: These past two (or few) months I've been so wrapped up in a busy, hectic lifestyle: training for a fight, while working, while applying to grad school, and being sick most of that time... (so busy I forget to finish sentences!)
And now, with all that done, completed and behind me, I don't know what to do with myself!
There's all this free time that I didn't have before, and it's nice, but it's also unfamiliar. I'm used to being high strung and having almost every hour of my day planned out. I'm using to NOT having time to do it all. I'm used to feeling overhwelmed. And now I'm under-whelmed! haha
So that's what I'm saying, that's where I am at.
So where do I go now?
I don't know exactly where I'm going to go, but I feel good that I have time to think about it and time to NOT think about it. I have time. I DON'T have to plan every second of my life. freedom...
I know what time it is! It's early that's what time it is...
It's like I tell my students, sometimes you don't know what you want to say until you start saying it...
and so in the early stages of writing an essay, I'll encourage them to just talk to me about their ideas aloud and it is while they are talking that they often figure out something to say, a point to make, or a question to explore. Just gotta get the ball rolling and not be so fixated on the presentation and "fancy" phrasing of it. Just get it out! You can refine it later! Granted, this does not always work, sometimes we talk in circles or hit mental road blocks.
So now I am taking my own advice...I am brainstorming!
In the last couple weeks, I've realized I am out of practice. I forgot how to write! Funny that I help students with their writing, but have done very little writing of my own this year. And I am really rusty!
Right now, I have no idea what I'm saying, but hopefully by the end I'll have said something meaningful.
So hmm... what's going on?
Well, I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am writing cause...I dont really know!? I thought about going for an early morning run, but my ankles are shot. I'm thinking about maybe surfing before work, hmmm... maybe. Or I could do some reading to prep for the classes I'm working with today, but I don't want to "work" right now. I could cook; I could clean, I could...
Aha! And now I know what it is I'm saying. My point is this: These past two (or few) months I've been so wrapped up in a busy, hectic lifestyle: training for a fight, while working, while applying to grad school, and being sick most of that time... (so busy I forget to finish sentences!)
And now, with all that done, completed and behind me, I don't know what to do with myself!
There's all this free time that I didn't have before, and it's nice, but it's also unfamiliar. I'm used to being high strung and having almost every hour of my day planned out. I'm using to NOT having time to do it all. I'm used to feeling overhwelmed. And now I'm under-whelmed! haha
So that's what I'm saying, that's where I am at.
So where do I go now?
I don't know exactly where I'm going to go, but I feel good that I have time to think about it and time to NOT think about it. I have time. I DON'T have to plan every second of my life. freedom...
I know what time it is! It's early that's what time it is...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Rhythm means that though you're moving forward, you are also coming back to that first beat...
This is almost 2 years old, but it still resonates with me.
It's like...
Musically speaking... imagine a sheet of music, in say, 4/4 time, see the staves, see the notes. It's like coming to the next bar, hitting the 1st beat again, but holding a whole note, moving into the second beat, rather than a quick 1/4 note and at a higher key cuz you're in a different mood at this point in the piece.
Like if you're doing laps around a track, on the second lap, instead of sprinting the straightaways and jogging the curves, you switch it up. Reaching the same place, but doing something different because YOU are different.
So I read the following dusty old blog, and see I am different in some ways from the person I was when I wrote it, but I am still hitting that same beat, touching that same place.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
9:58 PM
What is it that we want out of life? You know “we,” we as a people, we as a society, we as individuals that share some innate need to …
I think the real question that I AM asking is: what is it that I want out of life. And to find that answer, I look out to the world, to “WE,” to those who live in it, who have lived in it, the people that I encounter in books and television: such fantastic, remarkable characters and monumental historical figures, these people are.
I also observe with a keen eye: the common folk you see out in restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, at the park, at the beach, at the gym, at gas stations, on the street, sitting next to you on an airplane, driving in cars on the freeway. I try to imagine where these people have been, what lives have THEY live(d), AND I wonder if it might be something I want to experience in MY life.
Then I think I should look inside myself to understand what it is that I want out of my life.
It is a loaded question, really it is. What do you want out of life?
So I struggle with myself and find some half-ass answer and leave it at that; I travel on, move forward. So time passes and months later, I roll the question around in my mind again. And the thing is, I always find myself going back where I started, contemplative and asking the question. And I know THAT is the answer. THAT is what I want out of life, to move back and forth between ideas, movement, MOVEMENT.
But I always find myself wanting a more definite, concrete answer. I always want more. Chalk it up to humanity, the need to explore and find out more, to go further, challenge the establishment, to make things new, to create something, to make life more than a definition... So naturally a declaration like: what we want out of life is to simply to ask the question again and again and again. THAT is not enough, but maybe I’ll learn that IT IS enough.
And maybe rather than changing the answer, I will change MYSELF.
And as someone new, the answer will be different for the new person I become.
Who knows what we really want?
I scratch my head with a puzzled look of happiness and am content that I am simply able to experience this journey, to climb into darkness.
And the beat hits gain.
It's like...
Musically speaking... imagine a sheet of music, in say, 4/4 time, see the staves, see the notes. It's like coming to the next bar, hitting the 1st beat again, but holding a whole note, moving into the second beat, rather than a quick 1/4 note and at a higher key cuz you're in a different mood at this point in the piece.
Like if you're doing laps around a track, on the second lap, instead of sprinting the straightaways and jogging the curves, you switch it up. Reaching the same place, but doing something different because YOU are different.
So I read the following dusty old blog, and see I am different in some ways from the person I was when I wrote it, but I am still hitting that same beat, touching that same place.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
9:58 PM
What is it that we want out of life? You know “we,” we as a people, we as a society, we as individuals that share some innate need to …
I think the real question that I AM asking is: what is it that I want out of life. And to find that answer, I look out to the world, to “WE,” to those who live in it, who have lived in it, the people that I encounter in books and television: such fantastic, remarkable characters and monumental historical figures, these people are.
I also observe with a keen eye: the common folk you see out in restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, at the park, at the beach, at the gym, at gas stations, on the street, sitting next to you on an airplane, driving in cars on the freeway. I try to imagine where these people have been, what lives have THEY live(d), AND I wonder if it might be something I want to experience in MY life.
Then I think I should look inside myself to understand what it is that I want out of my life.
It is a loaded question, really it is. What do you want out of life?
So I struggle with myself and find some half-ass answer and leave it at that; I travel on, move forward. So time passes and months later, I roll the question around in my mind again. And the thing is, I always find myself going back where I started, contemplative and asking the question. And I know THAT is the answer. THAT is what I want out of life, to move back and forth between ideas, movement, MOVEMENT.
But I always find myself wanting a more definite, concrete answer. I always want more. Chalk it up to humanity, the need to explore and find out more, to go further, challenge the establishment, to make things new, to create something, to make life more than a definition... So naturally a declaration like: what we want out of life is to simply to ask the question again and again and again. THAT is not enough, but maybe I’ll learn that IT IS enough.
And maybe rather than changing the answer, I will change MYSELF.
And as someone new, the answer will be different for the new person I become.
Who knows what we really want?
I scratch my head with a puzzled look of happiness and am content that I am simply able to experience this journey, to climb into darkness.
And the beat hits gain.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
damn pretty circles
If you live in the SF Bay Area you know it's been raining the past few days. This morning it was still raining. At about 8am, I was drinking my morning cup of joe outside my front door "out among the elements", but sheltered from the drops of rain by the flat over-hanging edge of roof just above the front door.
I was attempting to collect my thoughts on life, contemplating --if I had and if so what-- my own personal life philosophy. Too much to think about this early in the day, so I "just" observed my surroundings, took in the sights. A large pine tree rooted in the grass plot in front of my apartment towers over my unit and archs over the driveway. In the driveway, a puddle had formed in the depressed crease in the pavement. The sky softly drizzled tiny drops of water onto the surface of this puddle. From the water soaked branches of the pine tree, heavier drops travelled a shorter distance, hitting the puddle with much more mass and force. This created on the surface of the puddle some damn pretty circles.
Many many circles scattered all over a liquid canvas, these circles growing into varying sizes, growing at different speeds, some tiny pin points and others growing enourmously, but ever so slowly. Circles that emanated from deeper in the puddle and also the soft drizzle that merely agitated the skin of the puddle. all these circles growing and more circles, and more circles, running into each other. And it kept raining and the puddle, it kept changing. It was like a painting that moves.
This was something you have to watch, not see. You see stills (photographs), but this was something you watch in those artsy films where there some emotional argument between two lovers or a character just died and then all of a sudden it cuts to this puddle with pitter PATTER circles forming on it. And it symbolizes "something" deep.
I haven't had time to think of what this beautiful image might symbolize in my life but...Damn pretty... that's all I can say. damn pretty circles. Alas, words fail... my description does not even begin to show... this, this ________ (words failing, so why try? haha). but though words fail... there all we have.... that's Hegel. So there! haha
So now that I think of it, I DO have a life philosophy.
Ok, are you ready for some deep ass sh*t?
Naw...I don't think you're ready.
Ok, ok I'll lay it on ya.
Here's is the meaning of life the way I see it:
pretty circles!
pretty circles!
pretty circles!
Gotcha! hahaha
Psyche!
You just got punk'd!
I was attempting to collect my thoughts on life, contemplating --if I had and if so what-- my own personal life philosophy. Too much to think about this early in the day, so I "just" observed my surroundings, took in the sights. A large pine tree rooted in the grass plot in front of my apartment towers over my unit and archs over the driveway. In the driveway, a puddle had formed in the depressed crease in the pavement. The sky softly drizzled tiny drops of water onto the surface of this puddle. From the water soaked branches of the pine tree, heavier drops travelled a shorter distance, hitting the puddle with much more mass and force. This created on the surface of the puddle some damn pretty circles.
Many many circles scattered all over a liquid canvas, these circles growing into varying sizes, growing at different speeds, some tiny pin points and others growing enourmously, but ever so slowly. Circles that emanated from deeper in the puddle and also the soft drizzle that merely agitated the skin of the puddle. all these circles growing and more circles, and more circles, running into each other. And it kept raining and the puddle, it kept changing. It was like a painting that moves.
This was something you have to watch, not see. You see stills (photographs), but this was something you watch in those artsy films where there some emotional argument between two lovers or a character just died and then all of a sudden it cuts to this puddle with pitter PATTER circles forming on it. And it symbolizes "something" deep.
I haven't had time to think of what this beautiful image might symbolize in my life but...Damn pretty... that's all I can say. damn pretty circles. Alas, words fail... my description does not even begin to show... this, this ________ (words failing, so why try? haha). but though words fail... there all we have.... that's Hegel. So there! haha
So now that I think of it, I DO have a life philosophy.
Ok, are you ready for some deep ass sh*t?
Naw...I don't think you're ready.
Ok, ok I'll lay it on ya.
Here's is the meaning of life the way I see it:
pretty circles!
pretty circles!
pretty circles!
Gotcha! hahaha
Psyche!
You just got punk'd!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
100 to 0 in seconds flat
stillness...
I have time, now
to watch trains go by, literally and figuratively.
It's almost 11pm, well deep into the night, and I just woke up from what was supposed to be an hour nap that somehow turned into three or four.
Upon waking from this "nap," I made some tea, and went out my front door to the front of my building to sip my tea out in the cool night air.
This used to be somewhat of a ritual for me, in the morning or evening going outside to sip coffee or tea and observing my surroundings, the ongoings, taking note of movement, of stillness...
For the past few months, this ritual has been forgotten and replaced with fast paced hectic-ness, moving to a new place, training for a fight, and starting this semester, among the more time consuming things.
But in the past few days, it's been slowing down... I can wake up in the morning, leisurely make coffee and sip it outside as I watch the neighborhood children walk to school and...
watch the trains go by.
No longer is my morning:
jumping out of bed, putting a full sauna suit on, running, cooling down, then shadowboxing, doing calesthetics, taking a quick shower, packing a healthy lunch and then rushing off to work, eating breakfast either at work or while driving to work.
Now I have time to drink tea outside late at night and take notice of a couple walking their dog and yes...
watch trains go by.
My evenings are no longer:
come home from training, shower, prepare a quick healthy dinner, pack my 3 changes of clothing for the next day, work on grad school application, and then lay in bed thinking about: work, if my parents are doing ok, if my brother is doing ok, if my students are understanding the material; I lay in bed thinking about how I have to work on the weekeend, about how I want to, but don't have time to clean and arrange/organize my NEW place...
and then somehow I fall asleep.
And the next day, I repeat this INSANE process-- day after day after day... until *schreech*.... hit the brakes!
100 to 0-- the movement of my mind has slowed, so now I have time to ponder such things...
There is stillness in my mind, not the constant shifting of focus on to many, many-- all important-- tasks.
So now here I am doing the blog thing.
I am content that I am able to stop, and notice other things moving, besides my mind, that is.
I live next to train tracks... and can watch trains travelling south, going north. I think of the travellers on the trains, wondering what stories they have to tell.
I see myself as I watch the trains go by. I'm stationary, like a train station, and train cars full people fly by me headed in different directions. Hmmm....
I'm remimded of Hemingway's short story, Hills Like White Elephants, told in almost all dialgoue, about a couple at a train station. I am now able to have a dialogue with myself... =) I smile at the thought and wink at the stillness inside me.
I have time to think about random stuff like how trains remind me of a song with the phrase, "Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by...all of my life..."
So wants to play Name That Tune?
Any takers?
Well, if you do happen to be curious as to what song those lyric came from, it's "It Might Be You" by Stephen Bishop off the "Tootsie" movie soundtrack (yeah, real random!).
And since I have the time, here are the lyrics to the entire song:
It Might Be You
by Stephen Bishop
Time
I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life
Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place
Would I recognize the face
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah it's telling me it might be you
So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make
Oh, I think we're gonna need some time
Many be all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life
I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life
May be it's you (it's you)
May be it's you (it's you)
I've been waiting for all of my life
Yeah, it's great love song that has little to do with anything I just blogged about, but hey! I have time to do random stuff like that now! haha =)
ahhh...stillness
Hope everyone is well.
I have time, now
to watch trains go by, literally and figuratively.
It's almost 11pm, well deep into the night, and I just woke up from what was supposed to be an hour nap that somehow turned into three or four.
Upon waking from this "nap," I made some tea, and went out my front door to the front of my building to sip my tea out in the cool night air.
This used to be somewhat of a ritual for me, in the morning or evening going outside to sip coffee or tea and observing my surroundings, the ongoings, taking note of movement, of stillness...
For the past few months, this ritual has been forgotten and replaced with fast paced hectic-ness, moving to a new place, training for a fight, and starting this semester, among the more time consuming things.
But in the past few days, it's been slowing down... I can wake up in the morning, leisurely make coffee and sip it outside as I watch the neighborhood children walk to school and...
watch the trains go by.
No longer is my morning:
jumping out of bed, putting a full sauna suit on, running, cooling down, then shadowboxing, doing calesthetics, taking a quick shower, packing a healthy lunch and then rushing off to work, eating breakfast either at work or while driving to work.
Now I have time to drink tea outside late at night and take notice of a couple walking their dog and yes...
watch trains go by.
My evenings are no longer:
come home from training, shower, prepare a quick healthy dinner, pack my 3 changes of clothing for the next day, work on grad school application, and then lay in bed thinking about: work, if my parents are doing ok, if my brother is doing ok, if my students are understanding the material; I lay in bed thinking about how I have to work on the weekeend, about how I want to, but don't have time to clean and arrange/organize my NEW place...
and then somehow I fall asleep.
And the next day, I repeat this INSANE process-- day after day after day... until *schreech*.... hit the brakes!
100 to 0-- the movement of my mind has slowed, so now I have time to ponder such things...
There is stillness in my mind, not the constant shifting of focus on to many, many-- all important-- tasks.
So now here I am doing the blog thing.
I am content that I am able to stop, and notice other things moving, besides my mind, that is.
I live next to train tracks... and can watch trains travelling south, going north. I think of the travellers on the trains, wondering what stories they have to tell.
I see myself as I watch the trains go by. I'm stationary, like a train station, and train cars full people fly by me headed in different directions. Hmmm....
I'm remimded of Hemingway's short story, Hills Like White Elephants, told in almost all dialgoue, about a couple at a train station. I am now able to have a dialogue with myself... =) I smile at the thought and wink at the stillness inside me.
I have time to think about random stuff like how trains remind me of a song with the phrase, "Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by...all of my life..."
So wants to play Name That Tune?
Any takers?
Well, if you do happen to be curious as to what song those lyric came from, it's "It Might Be You" by Stephen Bishop off the "Tootsie" movie soundtrack (yeah, real random!).
And since I have the time, here are the lyrics to the entire song:
It Might Be You
by Stephen Bishop
Time
I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life
Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place
Would I recognize the face
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah it's telling me it might be you
So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make
Oh, I think we're gonna need some time
Many be all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life
I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life
May be it's you (it's you)
May be it's you (it's you)
I've been waiting for all of my life
Yeah, it's great love song that has little to do with anything I just blogged about, but hey! I have time to do random stuff like that now! haha =)
ahhh...stillness
Hope everyone is well.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
comment as a blog
Funny, how when we're young, everything seems of the utmost importance, very real, intense, felt on an all-too-real level. We have a sense of immediacy and what ever it is that we have latched our full attention to, be it a comic book series, a rock band, a girlfriend, what have you, we feel very strong, raw emotions towards that...that world. It becomes our world and we feel it, believe it; we live in that reality...
Then we fast forward some 20, 30 odd years ahead, and "our world" has opened up in ways we could barely fathom as adolescents. We now think about things such as career, current events, settling down, or maybe just making rent! haha. We worry about the econmomy, and things of practicality...
But it's always "a trip" to look back and visit that world we once lived in when we were younger, to reminisce with our grown up perspectives, like revisiting Never Never land as an adult. Time travel in a way...
Great blog, Sean! You inspired me to leave "a blog of" comment. I think I'll post this comment on my own blog! haha... see ya later today, i think.
To view my friend's blog of which THIS blog is a comment on, go to:
http://sportandpastime.blogspot.com/
Then we fast forward some 20, 30 odd years ahead, and "our world" has opened up in ways we could barely fathom as adolescents. We now think about things such as career, current events, settling down, or maybe just making rent! haha. We worry about the econmomy, and things of practicality...
But it's always "a trip" to look back and visit that world we once lived in when we were younger, to reminisce with our grown up perspectives, like revisiting Never Never land as an adult. Time travel in a way...
Great blog, Sean! You inspired me to leave "a blog of" comment. I think I'll post this comment on my own blog! haha... see ya later today, i think.
To view my friend's blog of which THIS blog is a comment on, go to:
http://sportandpastime.blogspot.com/
Monday, February 23, 2009
Dang! I've hardly written this year!
Where have I been this year? Busy being busy, I guess. I can't believe it's already 2 months into 2009, and I haven't taken the time to catch up with my self, to write, cause after all that's how I do it.
huuuuuu... hooooo. *deeeeeep breath*
It's funny when you realize that you haven't been present in your own life.
It's only now that I'm slowing down that I really really realize how I've been, what I've been missing...
and alas. I need to sleep so I'll be *functional* at work tomrrow.
Well at least, NOW I have more time.
With another fight done, and in the books, I tell myself that I'm putting the "fight game" aside for a while (let's see how long it lasts this time) and focusing on me! catching up with myself that is, focusing on higher education, on nurturing friendships, and yeah, I guess, dating...haha
It's good to be back. Ahhh... =)
huuuuuu... hooooo. *deeeeeep breath*
It's funny when you realize that you haven't been present in your own life.
It's only now that I'm slowing down that I really really realize how I've been, what I've been missing...
and alas. I need to sleep so I'll be *functional* at work tomrrow.
Well at least, NOW I have more time.
With another fight done, and in the books, I tell myself that I'm putting the "fight game" aside for a while (let's see how long it lasts this time) and focusing on me! catching up with myself that is, focusing on higher education, on nurturing friendships, and yeah, I guess, dating...haha
It's good to be back. Ahhh... =)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Through the wire, to the limit, even through the fire
Posted a day later than written
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Through the wire, to the limit, even through the fire
Last night I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my boy, Evan's 31st birthday.
I haven't been out in while, so though I was mentally and physically exhausted (Sick and trying to keep up with life) I was happy to be out and about socializing and catching up with folks.
Conversation… reminded me to reflect on recent experience, to pause
for reflection. sometimes ya got stop and take stock…
A friend noted I haven’t posted a blog in while.
Inspired by one friend who will be running a half marathon this Sunday—good luck Gary-- here I am blogging.
Another friend was talking about the martial arts is all about having a story to tell you r kids when you’re older, to do something out of the ordinary, something EXTRAordinary It’s about having a story… and lately, I haven’t been telling my story to anyone or even paying attention to it as it happens; that’s when the story is lost.
Another friend was talking about working 2 jobs, but looking for something better.
This weekend I watched a rock documentary on Bruce Springsteen where he talked about the past is always with us…
I looked at my life:
Martials arts
writing
teaching
always working towards “Something better”
but….I’ve been SICK for way too long… fallen behind in everything there is to do. Not to mention feelin’ like crappy, crabby, ineffective in the my day to day—ineffecient, unproductive, unappreciative. But regardless… I keep on keeping on
life...always looking for a way to improve, to do it better
--evolving...
pushing forward
Without struggle there is no progress
seek growth not comfort
health is wealth, I wish I were healthy
Lately feel like
like walking on wire, narrow way
like an electric current surging through the wire, charges flowing forward, pushing forward onward, through the fire, through obstacles, past limits…my own limits…
to the wire,
on the wire there’s only room for one, you go it alone, you fall alone…
blah blah…I’m tired…..
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Through the wire, to the limit, even through the fire
Last night I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my boy, Evan's 31st birthday.
I haven't been out in while, so though I was mentally and physically exhausted (Sick and trying to keep up with life) I was happy to be out and about socializing and catching up with folks.
Conversation… reminded me to reflect on recent experience, to pause
for reflection. sometimes ya got stop and take stock…
A friend noted I haven’t posted a blog in while.
Inspired by one friend who will be running a half marathon this Sunday—good luck Gary-- here I am blogging.
Another friend was talking about the martial arts is all about having a story to tell you r kids when you’re older, to do something out of the ordinary, something EXTRAordinary It’s about having a story… and lately, I haven’t been telling my story to anyone or even paying attention to it as it happens; that’s when the story is lost.
Another friend was talking about working 2 jobs, but looking for something better.
This weekend I watched a rock documentary on Bruce Springsteen where he talked about the past is always with us…
I looked at my life:
Martials arts
writing
teaching
always working towards “Something better”
but….I’ve been SICK for way too long… fallen behind in everything there is to do. Not to mention feelin’ like crappy, crabby, ineffective in the my day to day—ineffecient, unproductive, unappreciative. But regardless… I keep on keeping on
life...always looking for a way to improve, to do it better
--evolving...
pushing forward
Without struggle there is no progress
seek growth not comfort
health is wealth, I wish I were healthy
Lately feel like
like walking on wire, narrow way
like an electric current surging through the wire, charges flowing forward, pushing forward onward, through the fire, through obstacles, past limits…my own limits…
to the wire,
on the wire there’s only room for one, you go it alone, you fall alone…
blah blah…I’m tired…..
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Through the wire, To the limit, even through the fire
Through the wire, To the limit, even through the fire
Last night I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my boy Evan's 31st birthday.
I haven't been out in while, so though I was mentally and physically exhausted I was happy to be out and about socailizing and catching up with folks.
Martials arts
writing
teaching
life...always looking for a way to improve, to do it better
--evlviong...(mark)
pushing forward
Without struggle there is no progress
seek growth not comfort
health is wealth
Last night I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my boy Evan's 31st birthday.
I haven't been out in while, so though I was mentally and physically exhausted I was happy to be out and about socailizing and catching up with folks.
Martials arts
writing
teaching
life...always looking for a way to improve, to do it better
--evlviong...(mark)
pushing forward
Without struggle there is no progress
seek growth not comfort
health is wealth
Monday, January 5, 2009
Now and Then
With the new year, with change in the air, I wonder how much I have ALREADY changed since last year. To figure this out, I read through blogs starting with the most recent and moving back time, paying close attention to changing tone and attitude from one blog to another.
6 month ago, I believed I was done fighting... hanging up my gloves and focusing on academic pursuits, shifting gears focusing on another art (writing and teaching this art).
Funny, 6 months later and I'm training for fight and STILL passionate as ever towards my many passions: martial arts, writing, surfing and teaching/learning/teaching (education is process for both students and teacher).
So maybe I haven't changed much at all!?
I'm focused on NOT focusing on just one art.
I changed my mind about changing! haha
THAT blog from 6 months ago I was all nostalgic, but now I'm more excited about tomorrow. Though Summer must end, it DOES come back again the next year.
The seasons with ourselves are something to pay attetnion to.
For kicks, here's the blog from 6 months ago RE-posted.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Transitions
My Summer is slowly fading...
Back to work in less than a week.
My Summer is slowly fading...
2 days ago I made an excruciatingly difficult decision to drop out of a fight that I'd been training for for a little over a month because:
chronic and multiple injuries (body isn't as young and reslient as it once was)...
and I realize these injuries have affected me psycologically and emotionally as well as physiologically.
My Summer is slowly fading...
I understand I'm not a dinosaur facing imminent extinction, but I do feel-- worn from wear, rusty, like a relic from another era defining it's self in modern times.
I've stop sulking (I think) and am moving forward. Let us carry on. I'm dusting myself off, and transitioning to another way of being.
My friend, trainer, fellow fighter and in many ways a mentor, wrote to me:
"stop considering yourself too old. you're only old if you think there's not much more to learn. keep looking at life just how you see this mess we call the fight game, and it will always turnout the way you want it..win or lose. "
In "the fight game" we fighters adapt to any given situation, we are disciplined, we care about our "art" as much as a writer, painter, actor what have you.
In the fight game we adapt...
we adapt to different opponents, we adapt to the changing seasons, and I am fiding out now that we even adapt to changes with in ourselves.
And we fight for passion, not glory, we fight because we love "being" the art, performing the art, living the art.
And with all that said, I am hanging up my gloves and focusing on academic pursuits. I am shifting gears focusing on another art.
Look at me in the middle of nostalgia for "the fight game", and also excited for graduate school. transitions...
My summer is slowly fading, but hey! There's Indian Summer in the Fall! and...it's always summer somewhere on the globe! haha
6 month ago, I believed I was done fighting... hanging up my gloves and focusing on academic pursuits, shifting gears focusing on another art (writing and teaching this art).
Funny, 6 months later and I'm training for fight and STILL passionate as ever towards my many passions: martial arts, writing, surfing and teaching/learning/teaching (education is process for both students and teacher).
So maybe I haven't changed much at all!?
I'm focused on NOT focusing on just one art.
I changed my mind about changing! haha
THAT blog from 6 months ago I was all nostalgic, but now I'm more excited about tomorrow. Though Summer must end, it DOES come back again the next year.
The seasons with ourselves are something to pay attetnion to.
For kicks, here's the blog from 6 months ago RE-posted.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Transitions
My Summer is slowly fading...
Back to work in less than a week.
My Summer is slowly fading...
2 days ago I made an excruciatingly difficult decision to drop out of a fight that I'd been training for for a little over a month because:
chronic and multiple injuries (body isn't as young and reslient as it once was)...
and I realize these injuries have affected me psycologically and emotionally as well as physiologically.
My Summer is slowly fading...
I understand I'm not a dinosaur facing imminent extinction, but I do feel-- worn from wear, rusty, like a relic from another era defining it's self in modern times.
I've stop sulking (I think) and am moving forward. Let us carry on. I'm dusting myself off, and transitioning to another way of being.
My friend, trainer, fellow fighter and in many ways a mentor, wrote to me:
"stop considering yourself too old. you're only old if you think there's not much more to learn. keep looking at life just how you see this mess we call the fight game, and it will always turnout the way you want it..win or lose. "
In "the fight game" we fighters adapt to any given situation, we are disciplined, we care about our "art" as much as a writer, painter, actor what have you.
In the fight game we adapt...
we adapt to different opponents, we adapt to the changing seasons, and I am fiding out now that we even adapt to changes with in ourselves.
And we fight for passion, not glory, we fight because we love "being" the art, performing the art, living the art.
And with all that said, I am hanging up my gloves and focusing on academic pursuits. I am shifting gears focusing on another art.
Look at me in the middle of nostalgia for "the fight game", and also excited for graduate school. transitions...
My summer is slowly fading, but hey! There's Indian Summer in the Fall! and...it's always summer somewhere on the globe! haha
Friday, January 2, 2009
Flipping Coins
You ever get so wrapped up in your own life, you forget the rest of the world?
I lost my job
I lost a lot of money
I'm bored
I'm not where I want to be
What ever gripes we all have about our lives...
Or on the other side of the coin, you are so caught up in world affairs, that you forget to reflect on your own life?
Oh, the people in (insert the country of your choice here)
They are being exploited, opressed etc. etc
The injustice in ______________
That politican is so wrong...
I think it's important to see one with in the other. Make connections.
I suffer,
the world suffers,
we suffer.
We are part of a community, whether we are aware of it or not.
When you are emotionally troubled, it's easy to focus on your pain, but let's not forget that there are others WORSE of than you: emotionally and physically. So...
Wow, this is going in a direction I hoped it wouldn't...its starting to sound cliche'
ah well...
Flipping coins. Go back and forth between both, blurring the divisions we sometimes create, them and me....
Flipping coins in the air and...
on the drop of a dime...the 10 cent piece hits the ground and spins... society, me, the world, me...
better yet, the spinning causes you to focus on the two sides melting into one another, you as a part of the world, the world reflected in your life.
OK tangent coming up:
But "drop of a dime," what did/does that really mean? Remember when everyone didn't have cell phones? If you wanted to talk to someone you'd have to drop 2 dimes into a pay phone.
Or does that phrase mean something more general: the moment money is offered, you'll do what ever it takes to get it.
Let's just says it shows immediacy. ahorita in spanish. ngayon in tagalog.
anyway...I don't feel like ranting anymore...
I still think blogs are so interesting. I guess I use it as therapy, just to get out whatever is on my mind, whether it's positive, negative or pointless!
Sometimes I miss simply putting pen to paper and writing my thoughts with no one, but myself in mind...
There's this great line from Dave Egger's about giving up anonymity for access... I don't remember where I read it or what it was exactly referring to, but it relates to blogs and the internet...
ah whatevs...
I lost my job
I lost a lot of money
I'm bored
I'm not where I want to be
What ever gripes we all have about our lives...
Or on the other side of the coin, you are so caught up in world affairs, that you forget to reflect on your own life?
Oh, the people in (insert the country of your choice here)
They are being exploited, opressed etc. etc
The injustice in ______________
That politican is so wrong...
I think it's important to see one with in the other. Make connections.
I suffer,
the world suffers,
we suffer.
We are part of a community, whether we are aware of it or not.
When you are emotionally troubled, it's easy to focus on your pain, but let's not forget that there are others WORSE of than you: emotionally and physically. So...
Wow, this is going in a direction I hoped it wouldn't...its starting to sound cliche'
ah well...
Flipping coins. Go back and forth between both, blurring the divisions we sometimes create, them and me....
Flipping coins in the air and...
on the drop of a dime...the 10 cent piece hits the ground and spins... society, me, the world, me...
better yet, the spinning causes you to focus on the two sides melting into one another, you as a part of the world, the world reflected in your life.
OK tangent coming up:
But "drop of a dime," what did/does that really mean? Remember when everyone didn't have cell phones? If you wanted to talk to someone you'd have to drop 2 dimes into a pay phone.
Or does that phrase mean something more general: the moment money is offered, you'll do what ever it takes to get it.
Let's just says it shows immediacy. ahorita in spanish. ngayon in tagalog.
anyway...I don't feel like ranting anymore...
I still think blogs are so interesting. I guess I use it as therapy, just to get out whatever is on my mind, whether it's positive, negative or pointless!
Sometimes I miss simply putting pen to paper and writing my thoughts with no one, but myself in mind...
There's this great line from Dave Egger's about giving up anonymity for access... I don't remember where I read it or what it was exactly referring to, but it relates to blogs and the internet...
ah whatevs...
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