Catharsis and Enlightment

"Do you have the time...
to listen to me whine...
about nothing and everything all at once?"

--Green Day





Saturday, March 21, 2009
7:55 AM

Here I am, fallen apart and picking up pieces.
What am I dealing with?

My body is fragile due to age, genetics, hereditary reasons... whatever the cause, it sucks! And though my mind is tough, it doesn’t make up. It doesn't. I try to work my way thru it, but am learning the emotional toll can be more taxing than the physical one. And I understand it is my own INTENSE determination that kills me. I know I need to relax and adapt to my physical limitations. I do as much as I can, but it is discouraging when every joint aches and I can’t do things the way I used to. I have High Standards for myself, and when I fall short of MY high standards, my spirit dies a little. It doesn’t matter to me that I have weak joints. I still expect myself to perform at a higher level.

My heart, my spirit wants to put in the work, so I can perform at that Higher Level that I aspire to, BUT my injuries keep me from fully engaging. I worry about my ankles, wrists, shoulders, hips, knees. But when I'm training, I put that out of my mind, yet on a SUB-conscious level, I'm wondering if I’m going to further injure myself, so though my conscious mind is willing, my body hesitates because of that sub-conscious shit!

And here’s the thing, I spend more time adapting to the multiple ailments than actually practicing skills. I do learn and understand the skills theoretically, but can not do the mass repetition needed to develop the muscle memory. I hate this.

I want to be MORE THAN the guy with the “always going forward” aggressive style, a mean right cross and a concrete chin. There is no skill involved in that! There's no art. I want to develop skills, but my body limits me from developing the muscle memory, proper technique, the agility and so I fall back to being a slugger. All heart, no skill.

OK, I should stop being so hard on myself (But that IS WHO I AM) So let me do something about it. OK, since I can’t develop speed, cuz my joints won’t let me, I can practice timing, that is striking at the right, opportune moment to compensate for my lack of speed. Yeah, I can do that. And I can think of others ways to adapt, too, but this takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So I would like to live the art, the martial arts way of life, but what of my other passions?


I am a Student of various disciplines, and I attempt to put my ALL into each, 100%.

100% into writing
100% into martial arts
100% into the art of teaching
100% into surfing


400%, it is not humanly possible and even attempting to, I’ve learned is INSANE!

I could do 25% for each discipline, but then I do NOT fully embrace any one of them. I do not accomplish what I could have I had put in 100%.

This is killing me!
My love is divided.

These are the passions of my life,

and I can not live them, I can not embrace them.

I'm so instense about this stuff and maybe it's because I've put of thinking about it for a long time. Denial, maybe, or just too busy to reflect on it. And so the pressure built up and finally exploded! CATHARSIS

I've notice this is the way I do things. I operate in extremes; I’m either on or off. I’m trying to stay in the middle, to stop the pendulum from swinging so violently, and jarring my soul.

I am trying to find a way to better maneuver thru my life with this intense personality. Instense, as in intensely laid back, care free or (BIG SWING!)intensely high strung, purpose driven, hyper-organized. Let me take ownership of it all!

Maybe it’s because I try to live by other peoples’ standards. I mean, people have their own standards for themselves, and they don’t necessarily place them on me, but I do. I put it on myself, when I should be living by MY standards which should be suited to my personality. But then... I don’t want to be self righteous, and arrogant! But I also don’t want to be a people pleaser unable to live my truth. Well, I am conscious of it all, so that’s a start.

I want to take the time to do things right. To focus on myself, understand myself, again! I always do this. Assess self in relation to society. Well, having gone through thru this process many times over, makes it easier, doing it again.

And that’s MY life. That’s who I am and that’s what I do. I’m on, I’m off, I’m a flickering light. . .

There. Right there. I am at peace now. A sudden awareness, a calm... has fallen upon me. I have conquered myself (for the time being) and am now starting to look outside of myself, to look at those around me more intently ...