Geez... where have I been? I haven't blogged in months! Just been going thru it...
I have questions: Does it matter where it started? What is more important, being conscious of the present or being ready for the future?
They're trick questions. They are ALL important, whether it is pertaining to finances, writing a story, friendships and relationships, education, career.
Where/how it started, where it's at and where it's going, are all important. We're talking the BIG PICTURE, here.
I'm going to focus in my own health, mental and physical.
WHERE IT STARTED: physical health: for the last year, maybe 2, probably 3, my joints have been f*cked up, mental aspect: I am a fighter at heart, and train thru the pain and probably made it worse. dilema: If I don't work out, I get fat and unhealthy. If I do work out, I fuck up my joints.
WHAT I WENT THRU AND WHERE I'M AT: It's gotten to the point where I *hardly* train because it feels like my body is falling apart. Mental: went thru the 7 stages of grieving.... I'm grieving the death of the active and athletic philip. (He's buried in the past, but who knows, we might resurect him!)
denial/shock--it doesn't hurt, "the pain is your muscles growing"
guilty/pain-- this is my fault, i should've known better than to train so hard
anger--I am not an angry man. but I was mad at the situation
depression/self isolation--what kind of "fighter" doesn't fight anymore? I couldn't answer this, so I kept to myself.
upward turn-- Ok this sucks: I need to do soemthing to better myself. Be proactive.
working thru it/reconstruction-- So I've seen a doctor and am in the process of being diagnosed. I am coming to terms with my limitations. I am changing, adapting to the situation at hand; this is what fighters do in the ring, in the gym, out in the road running and... in life-- we adapt to opponents, to injures, to any situation that may arise... etc.
hope and acceptance--this is where I'm at.
And of course, it can't be that simple, so let's throw a monkey wrench in it.
Along with the joint pain, I have chronic fatigue, but again, with the "can do" fighter attitude, I fight thru it.
I have this vainglorious idea that the universe/God/the powers that be/circumstance, what have you, makes things harder for me because I can take it. I am physically and mentally tougher than the average person, not to brag, but I know this and don't need to prove it to anyone. It is my blessing and curse. I can push myself, will myself to great heights, but at the expense of my own demise. Sometimes if you push yourself to the breaking point, you break.
Now here's the monkey wrench: my painful joints maybe a symptom of somthing bigger. I MIGHT have Lupus, a disease where the immune system can NOT recognize the difference between infections and the body itself, and so it attacks it's own tissues and muscles. In essence, the body is fighting itself.
So again, let me stress this: I have NOT been diagnosed with this disease. I am displaying many of the symptoms and that's it right now. I am waiting on blood tests, and even then, will probably have to take more tests to get an accurate diagnosis.
So here's the mental/physical aspect: Is knowning that I *might* have Lupus, affecting me in a psychosoamtic way? Am I exhibiting symptoms simply because my mind is starting to believe I have the disease.
At this point, I don't know. I'm in the thick of it. --Can't tell the difference between the forest and the trees, BUT I am looking, scrutinizing, and hopefully I'll see some truth.
WHERE IS IT GOING:
So like in the Guns and Roses song, "Sweet Child of Mine" I ask:
where do we go now, where do we go now (wicked guitar lick) where do we go...
aigh aigh aigh.....
Well, WHERE ever it is... I'm going with my eyes open and I am NOT going down with out a fight.
I'll keep ya'll updated as things make themselves clear.
Now don't ya'll be spreading rumors like: "Phil has lupus" or "Philip is a hypochondraic."
I can still kick your ass, physically and verbally,that is, if it comes down to it. but ya'll know me, I'm a nice guy. I don't participate in violence, unless... we agreed upon it and do it respectfully as a form of art!
peace ya'll. keep yourself conscious!
